Miss you.
Love you.
On my way home to you, sweet girl.
He’s on the way home to me. That’s more communication than he would do in a week when we were at our worst.
My thumb hovers over the screen, but I don’t respond. I just lay the phone on my chest and stare up at the ceiling, my thoughts in a tangle.
I have no fucking clue what to do about this baby. I wish it were Tommy’s. With everything in me, I wish it were his. But there’s no way.
Just thinking about having Antonio’s baby causes a wave of nausea. Or maybe it’s the baby itself making me feel sick. Maybe both, I don’t know.
Fuck,I’m having a baby.
Or am I?
Suddenly, the thought slams through me like a gunshot: I don’t have to keep this baby. It’s early. I could end it. Spare Tommy the heartbreak, the decisions he’d have to make. He’d never even have to know.
But if he can’t have children, would he want to raise this one with me? Or would he see the child as nothing more than a horrific reminder of the past he has to face every day?
Is that how I would view the child, too?
The front door opens and closes. My breath catches, and panic takes over before logic can catch up. I grab the gun and lock the bedroom door, aiming at the knob. My heart is pounding so loudly I can barely hear his voice.
“Giovanna? It’s me, baby. Is everything okay?”
He must have heard me shut and lock the door. I wipe my hands over my face and put the gun back in the nightstand. My skin is clammy and cold.
What is wrong with me?
I turn on a light and go to the door but don’t open it. “I need a minute.”
He pauses. “You do?”
I need to compose myself. If he comes in right now, he’ll read my face and make me tell him. And I’m not ready to talk about the pregnancy.
“I just…need a minute. Is that okay?”
There’s a dullthunkas he leans his head against the door. “I’m going to take a shower. But after that, I need to go to bed. It’s been a long day.” He pauses. “And I need to sleep beside you, Giovanna.”
Hearing him say that makes my heart pound but also guts me. I don’t want him to sleep beside me. I want him to sleepinsideme, claiming me, reminding me that I’m still his.
I check my reflection in the mirror above the dresser. Tommy’s shirt is so big that it hangs off one shoulder, my hair pulled back in a short ponytail. I look like a ghost of the woman I used to be. Maybe that’s part of the problem.
I take my hair down, what’s left of it after they hacked it off, and shake it out, running my fingers through it. Peeling off Tommy’s t-shirt, I toss it on the floor along with the pajama shorts and paw through the drawers looking for something a little sexier. There’s not much here along those lines, but wearing a shirt that’s not five sizes too big is probably a good start. And panties are definitely better than pajama bottoms.
A few minutes later, Tommy knocks at the door again. “Gi?”
I sit on the edge of the bed, staring at the door. I can’t bring myself to open it. If I let him in and he shuts me down again, it’s going to break my heart.
He exhales, the sound rough. “Gi… I know that trying to find a new normal is harder for you than for me. But I need you to know there wasn’t a single second you were gone that I wasn’t thinking about you, trying to find you. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”
Hot tears slide down my cheeks as I squeeze my eyes shut.
“I swallowed my pride and worked with Aurelio for weeks trying to get information,” he continues. “Had my hacker on it 24/7. I even called Valentina for help—and you know how much I hate working with Valentina.”
I laugh, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “I hope you sent a thank you note.”
