It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve given in and let myself slide into the dark place. It’s taken everything to keep my shit together—especially without the ice as an outlet.
But I swore all this wouldn’t be in vain.
I’m changing. I’m fucking trying.
If there’s even a chance, the slightest possibility she comes back, I’ll be different. Better. I want to promise I can be good for her and actually keep that promise.
“Just—just keep me in mind. If you do see her or hear from her,” he says. With a rap of his knuckles on my desk, he turns and walks to the podium to begin class.
Chapter nineteen
Sawyer
“That’s… a lot. Like, way too fucking much for one person to handle, babe. I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with all this on your own.”
Cam’s gentle sympathy slams into me like a punch to the gut, and fresh tears fill my eyes. I dab at my face with a tissue, grateful I haven’t applied my eye makeup yet.
“I know.” I blow out a heavy sigh and shift, adjusting the way my legs are tucked beneath me. “Everything spiraled so quickly. I didn’t mean to keep it all bottled up… I could barely keep up myself.”
Cam arrived an hour ago so we could pregame and get ready for the party in Akron, and when she playfully asked how Mercer felt about me going to a party without him, I burst into tears.
She tried to hug me. That just made me cry harder.
I broke down, sliding to the floor of my dorm room and sobbing over my broken relationships and the wreckage I’ve caused, divulging everything that’s happened since the first day Tytus and I stepped into Mercer’s class.
It was cathartic, connecting the dots and revealing how things had escalated so quickly and disastrously. But now my face is puffy from crying, and I’m exhausted. The last thing I want to do is get ready for a party. I probably wouldn’t even go if my friend wasn’t already here with me.
Cam squeezes my hand, her warm brown eyes brimming with concern. Shit. She’s going to make me cry again.
“Can I at least give you kudos for bagging three hot-as-hell men?” she asks, her plump lips curving into a smirk that eases my anxiety a little. “You are living mydreamright now, girl.”
Scoffing, I cock a brow. “And where does Bryant fall into that dream?”
She rolls her eyes and gives my knee a little shove, but she quickly recovers and scoops up my hands, giving them a squeeze. “What can I do for you?”
A fresh wave of emotion clogs my throat. Dammit. I hate when people feel sorry for me—especially over a mess of my own making.
Sniffling, I shake my head. “Be my wing woman tonight and help me find someone I can get under in hopes of getting over those three?”
She searches my face, her expression wary. Like she doesn’t believe that’s what I really want.
I don’t believe it either, but it’s the only path forward.
Eventually she purses her lips and hums. “You’re sure?”
No.
“Yes,” I insist, waving a hand at my swollen, tearstained face. “I can’t go on like this.”
I’m tired of crying. Drained from missing them. Exhausted from resisting every time one of them reaches out.
And I can’t escape them. Noah, Tytus, and Mercer are everywhere. Every academic building on this campus reminds me of Mercer. Stepping into the ice arena instantly makes me think of Ty. Every leaf I stomp on as I walk across campus and every bee that floats by, slow and languid from the cold, triggers memories of Noah.
They’re inescapable, but I’m determined to forget.
It’s taking everything I have to resist giving in to one of them. But they all hurt me. And, more importantly, they all hurt each other. I can’t choose between them. I won’t. Moving on from all three of them is the only way to protect them from the drama and heartache that plagues me and spreads like an oil spill to anyone who gets too close.
“I’m sure,” I tell her with as much conviction as I can muster. “I want to let loose tonight.”
