And when I think about Mercer, I’m overloaded with the heaviest kind of betrayal. A betrayal I can’t fathom even starting to unpack.
As much as I crave the comfort of all three of the men who have been involved in my life over the last few months, it’s best for them if I stay away.
Even though I miss them—even the one I’m still so angry with—it’s a small price to pay for protecting them.
From me. From each other.
Ty and I crossed so many lines and pushed so many limits. Our time together these last several weeks has irrevocably changed me. We can’t just fall back into who we used to be. Just like there’s no hope for a future worth fighting for.
Mercer is easiest to ignore. The part of me that misses him is constantly being bullied into submission by the part of me that’s still irate. Deep down, his intentions were not as nefarious as the outcome of that night. They couldn’t have been. But I can’tforgive or forget without betraying the part of myself that’s still loyal to Ty.
Noah is my greatest temptation. He’s the solace I crave, even though I don’t deserve the goodness and abundance of his love. I’ve toyed with the idea of contacting him. Asking him to meet up and letting him back in. But ultimately Noah and Mercer have become a package deal in my mind. If I let Noah in, he’d have to shut Mercer out, and I refuse to make him choose.
I’m alone in this now. Alone is how I have to stay.
I muddled through loneliness and a shallow solitude for years. I can do it again. I can resist the desire to go back to any of them, and in turn, I can ensure nothing happens to any of them because of me.
Date: Nov. 7, 2:30 p.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Tomorrow
Ms. Davvies,
Your presence is requested in my office tomorrow, Monday, Nov. 8, at the usual meeting time of 8 a.m. EST.
Despite what happened at the event, we must move forward. For the class. For closure.
Take care. I’ll be seeing you.
Sincerely,
Professor Mercer Eden
Date: Nov. 8, 11:54 a.m.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Today
Ms. Davvies,
Your presence was missed today, both in the requested meeting and during class. This is not something I am well-versed in navigating. If there is another path forward, please illuminate it for me. We can meet on your terms. I will acquiesce to your every demand—meet you wherever you are, at any time.
Please reply so we can make arrangements at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Professor Mercer Eden
Noah: Starting to feel like a creepy old man, texting every day without a response.
Noah: How are you? How’s your friend?
