I’m equal parts scared and eager to talk. To listen. To find out what she wants and to discover the path of my fate.
For now, I’ll hold her a little closer. Savor these moments when she’s here of her own volition. Relish the memory of her telling Atty to send the others away. Enjoy the feel of her, even if she’s not quite in my arms, given my injuries and the awkward positioning of this narrow hospital bed.
She might not choose me in the end.
But she’s choosing me right now.
It’s not enough. Nothing will ever be enough when it comes to her. But if this is all I get, I’ll hold on tight for as long as she’ll let me.
Chapter twelve
Sawyer
Ican’t look away from Ty’s mouth. He’s asleep, but every few seconds, his lips turn up on one side, like a hint of a smile is trying to break through. For a man who spends so much of his waking time scowling, it’s an unfamiliar look.
But it’s adorable.
There’s a sweetness to witnessing him rest comfortably.
He has always suffered from nightmares, and I’ve never seen him smile in his sleep. And as odd as it seems, I’ve watched him sleep a lot over the years.
For close to two years after he and Atty moved north and I started at university, we’d spend hours on FaceTime a few nights a week.
The guys would get home late from practice. I’d be up studying. Or, in some instances, getting ready to go out. I always left that detail out when talking to Ty.
We’d lie in our separate beds, hundreds of miles apart, being together in the only way we could be. Sometimes we’d stay on the phone until one of us would drift off to sleep. It was usually Ty, since he had to be up early most days for morning skate. Other times we’d go about our nightly routine. I’d watch him ice sore muscles or apply kinesiology tape to flaring joints and limbs. He’d watch intently as I applied makeup or edited an assignment for class.
I wish I could lie here and watch him sleep forever.
Could things be different now, for Tytus and me?
Maybe we could have something good if I stuck around and we tried to have a real go at a relationship. Honestly? It’s not like things could get any worse.
Ty’s injuries are relatively severe. He’ll be off the ice for weeks, maybe even months. As awful as this whole ordeal has been, it’s likely going to force a reset.
Seeing him relaxed and at peace settles the ever-present fear that consumes me now.
A little piece of me yearns to lean into this feeling. But I know better than to trust the hopeful, floaty sensation that tries to convince me that maybe things are about to change.
We couldn’t have gone on like we were.
There’s been too much destruction. Too much pain and heartache, all because I let myself get close to three very different men.
The way each one made me feel was incredible. Sensational. All-consuming, in the best and worst ways.
But in the end, it wasn’t worth it.
Nothing is worth this sort of pain or the continued risk to the well-being of each of us.
The time I shared with Mercer and Noah, as well as with Ty, was a privilege. One I’ll never forget.
That’s how I’ll always view it. An experience of a lifetime. With three men who gave themselves to me in the most genuine, intimate ways.
It was magic.
They were everything.
And my god, part of me will always wonder if we could have been more.
