Tears leak from my eyes and cascade down both cheeks, my heart constricting painfully.
With a grunt, I roughly scrub them away, savoring the sharp scratches against my skin.
I don’t deserve his kindness. I don’t deserve anything except to suffer.
“We’re going.” I press my open palms against the tops of my thighs to keep myself still.
It’s not what’s best for me.
But I won’t accept comfort I don’t deserve. And just like Noah wants to prioritize me, I need to prioritize him. He needs her. And he needs to be there in case she needs him, too.
I’m no longer needed.
But I won’t stand in their way.
My shame will keep. My repentance will come.
I have a lifetime ahead of me to punish myself.
The work starts now.
By walking through the hospital doors. By sitting on a sterile curved plastic chair and waiting to hear the extent of the damage I’ve caused.
It’s going to hurt. I’ll accept nothing less.
Noah nods stoically. “Hang in there.”
I choke back a scoff.
There’s nothing left to hang on to.
Chapter seven
Sawyer
The overhead lights are dimmed, though small green lights and a few red beacons cut through the darkness, illuminating Ty’s face. The beeping of the machines every few seconds only puts me further on edge.
He’s sleeping now, having endured two procedures followed by a few hours in recovery. Now that he’s settled in a room, he’s hooked up to several monitors and an IV drip that provides him with fluids and medication he’d insist he didn’t need if he were awake and able to advocate for himself.
Despite knowing what the bullheaded man would want, I chose to do what’s best for his overall well-being.
As his “wife,” that’s my right.
The nurse assigned to him in recovery has been helpful, filling me in on details about his injuries and his care.
The older paramedic performed a needle thoracostomy out at the orchard. According to the nurse, a procedure like that requires special permission to conduct. A procedure that I’m certain saved Ty’s life.
Ty almost died tonight.
In my arms.
Because of me.
I swipe away a stray tear, shuddering.
Ty was rushed back to surgery almost immediately. Based on his scans, he didn’t require a thoracotomy—a relief, because that would have benched him for months—but there was evidence of a laceration on his kidney that needed to be repaired.
Thankfully that procedure was done laparoscopically. The incisions are small, and the small tube hanging out of his chest to drain any remaining fluid will be removed in a day or two. Otherwise, he’s okay.
