All she was missing was a couch, the Freud beard, and a German accent.
“It doesn’t seem right. I don’t want to be … like him.”
“You’re very self-aware, do you know that?”
My body flushed at what sounded like a compliment. “Well, I do tend to act out and then figure out I was a big baby later. Does that amount to self-awareness?”
She rolled in her lips.
“What?”
“I think you have a very clear sense of honor, Jason. Your father has repeatedly disappointed you, has broken what you consider to be the code of a parent. Now I’ve put you in a position where you’re worried about looking like a creep. If you sleep with someone and everyone knows you have a so-called ‘baby mama’ back in Chicago, the optics are concerning.”
That was my baby mama, smart as a whip. “In a nutshell.”
“I understand your predicament, but I still can’t agree to be on deck for your needs because it would make you feel better about where you decide to insert your penis. I’m not here for your convenience.”
“Damn, you think it’s convenient I want to bang you? I’ll tell you right now it is very inconvenient.”
“I can see that.” She picked up what looked like a fake snail on her desk, turned it over, then put it down again.
“I’ve had chances, you know,” I said.
“I’m sure you have.” Was that a tremor in her voice?
“Plenty of ’em. Hot blonde in Dallas last week couldn’t keep her hands off me.”
“Yes, the gossip sites couldn’t keep their hands off it, either.”
So, she had seen that photo. To be honest, it was a good thing there was photographic evidence because the memory of Farrah was kind of fuzzy, not because I’d had too much to drink or the night got away from me. There was only so long a man could be entertained by a pretty pair of tits accompanying dull-as-dirt conversation. I had found myself bored stupid halfway through my first Sam Adams Winter ale, long before Farrah’s breathily verbalized offer to “suck you so hard you’ll see stars.”
Franky raised her gaze to mine. “That must have been very gratifying for you. Still got it.”
This woman was impossible! I stood and pointed. “I didn’t go for it, even though I could have. I don’t need your permission to bang anyone, Doc. We’re not a couple.”
“Exactly the point I’ve been making. But I will leave it to you to decide how you want to deal with your epididymal hypertension.”
“Oh, please educate me.”
“Commonly known as blue balls.”
I clutched my chest, all affront. “I think you know exactly how I’ll be dealing with it. Playing a little Taylor Swift and imagining you stroking your pus?—”
“Jason!” She burst out laughing, and that sound was enough to lift that slab of pressure off my chest.
I retook my seat. “So, you and that Bilson guy?”
“There is no me and ‘that Bilson guy.’ I know I indicated at Halloween that I might want to sleep with someone. However, I was merely making the point that I could. Dr. Bilson would be the last person on my list.”
“And you don’t want to with anyone else?”
“It had been a while before …” She waved her hand between us. “So that should tide me over for the foreseeable future.”
“Glad to give you some spank bank material. Or whatever a lady calls it.”
“Rosie calls it the rub hub. Or Netflicks.” She sounded so serious, so Francesca. I loved when she got that look on her face.
I’d gone into this, offering up my superman genes so my kid would be athletic and strong. Now I was thinking that if our little one didn’t have a sporty bone in their body but instead grew up with this woman’s intellectual curiosity and interesting way of looking at things, I would be unbelievably blessed.
