It swings open before I have a chance to push, my mom jumping back with a startled, “Oh,” as I enter the front hall.
I shut the door against the cold air sneaking inside, and she flinches. It’s dark and late, and I suddenly feel like I’m being suffocated by ghosts. How many times did she intercept Dad here while I slept down the hall, oblivious?
“I’m not gonna break anything,” I tell her.
She frowns, assessing my disheveled state. “Of course you’re not, Sawyer.”
I laugh darkly, resting my head back against the door. “You sure? I’m half him after all.”
“You’redrunk, is what you are.” Her voice is full of recrimination.
“Yep.” I pop thePobnoxiously.
Mom’s face softens. “Did someone say something to you about …”
“No one has tosayanything, Mom. They all know. Everyone fucking knows! How can you stand to stay in this town? In this house? You can’t, right? That’s why you’re always gone, leaving me here.”
“It is my job, Sawyer. I am doing the best I can to hold things together. You want to leave your friends? The marina? The house where your sister lived? Start over somewhere else? If that’s what you want, what you really want, tell me, and I’ll call a realtor tomorrow.”
I close my eyes. “I don’t know what I want.”
“Go to bed, Sawyer. We can talk tomorrow.”
I open my eyes in time to see her turn toward the kitchen. “Why didn’t you tell me, Mom?”
Mom stills. “It wasn’t something I ever wanted you to know, Sawyer. Do you know how humiliating it would have been to tell my son something so ugly about his father?”
“More humiliating than me finding out with everyone else?”
“I never thought that would happen, honey. I got blindsided too.”
I blow out a long breath. “I hate him. I really, really hate him. He fucked upeverything, even worse than it already was.”
“I know.”
I shove away from the door, slipping off my shoes and hanging up my jacket.
“Hey.” Mom walks closer.
She’s not short, but I tower over her. I inherited Dad’s height. I might even have a couple of inches on him by now.
“We will get through this, Sawyer, you and me. Okay?”
I nod, too tired to summon more of a response.
Her worried eyes scan my face. “I’ll see if I can change some trips?—”
“No. Don’t change your schedule. I’m hardly ever here anyway.”
She sighs. “We can discuss it more when you’re sober. Tell me how you’re feeling all the time, not just drunk in the middle of the night, yeah?”
I nod again, even though I probably won’t. I already said too muchtonight.
Mom reaches up, brushing some hair off my forehead. “I love you, Sawyer.”
“I love you too,” I say, then start down the hallway.
“No more drinking!” she calls after me.
