“Yes, well, Alex certainly was impressed with himself. He correctly anticipated his mother’s reaction. She counseled him against marriage—forbade it, in fact—and told him she would have no more bastards in the family. A reference to my existence, I suppose. If she said it as Alex reported it to me, then it was one of the few times she acknowledged that I was family.” Examining her hands, Jane sighed. “I am sorry. That is just a footnote. As I’m sure you realize now, Cousin Frances settled money on Alex to take care of his indiscretion. Alex accepted the money and used it to pay his debt. There was no young woman, or at least not one who was carrying his child. In any event, Cousin Frances never meant for Alex to use the money to pay for the woman’s silence. She intended for him to make arrangements with an abortionist.”
Morgan nodded. He had an idea now where Jane’s story was going, but the ending eluded him. His eyes fell to her mouth. She was biting down hard on her lower lip and when she released it, he saw the only trace of color in her face was a droplet of blood. He rose, went around the bed, and handed her a handkerchief from his pocket. “Your lip,” he said. “It’s bleeding.”
Jane grimaced slightly as she pressed her lips together. She accepted Morgan’s handkerchief and touched one corner of it to her mouth. “Thank you.”
Morgan sat down again, this time on the side of the bed closest to Jane. “When you’re ready.”
She swept her lower lip with the tip of her tongue before crumpling the handkerchief in her fist. She tested it a second time before she spoke. “Alex was so encouraged by his success with this particular scheme that he did it two more times before he approached me. His motives were not entirely self-serving. He knew that I was in correspondence with you, and I had already told him I wanted to have my own money before I set out.” She held up two fingers when Morgan would have interrupted. “Yes, you wrote that you would send money for my ticket and expenses, but when Alex first approached me it had not yet arrived. I was never concerned that it would not, but it further impressed upon me the need to be independent of whatever you could give. And there was always the thought that you would change your mind once I was here, or that I would change mine. I told you that when we talked about why I had money.”
“We didn’t talk about how you had money.”
“No. I hoped I never would have to tell you.” She offered up a self-deprecating smile. “A lie of omission, perhaps, but one I wish was still walking away.”
The truth sprints about as far as the barn and the lie walks on forever. For both of the reasons Jane had mentioned, Morgan regretted saying those words aloud. Even thinking them was unfair and hypocritical. “I shouldn’t have said that to you.”
“No,” she said. “You shouldn’t have, but it’s done now, and the lie stops walking here. I agreed to be part of Alex’s scheme to take money from his mother. He believed, rightly as it turned out, that if she thought I was going to be the mother of his child, she would not only pay for the abortion, she would want to buy my silence.” Almost as an afterthought, she said, “You understand there was no child.”
“I understand.”
She released the short breath she was holding. “What Alex did not anticipate was that his mother would handle some of the details herself. She gave the money to David, Alex’s older brother, and told him to make the arrangements. When Alex realized what was happening, he tried to intervene. David would not give him the money. He did allow Alex to accompany me to the abortionist, a woman of David’s choosing. Alex had no such person to call upon anyway, since every part of his scheming was a fabrication. I did not want to go through the charade, and a charade is all I thought it would be. Alex, though, is quite convincing in his neediness, and I console myself with the knowledge that I am not the only woman who has ignored her better judgment in the face of Alex’s pleading.
“David took Alex and me to a brownstone in Brooklyn where none of us were known. They waited in a front room, drinking absinthe and smoking cigars, while I was escorted upstairs. I had prepared a speech to explain the circumstances of my being there, but I never had a chance to say it aloud. I became aware of another person in the room when he pressed a rag soaked with chloroform against my mouth and nose. I clawed at him. I heard him grunt, and I had to be satisfied with that. There is nothing else to remember about my visit. I woke up in the carriage. Alex had his arm around me, and he was shouting at David. I do not recall what Alex said to his brother, but David’s reply still resonates. He said I got precisely what I deserved, and the next time Alex thought about marrying one of his whores, he should elope instead of announcing his intentions to their mother first.”
Jane’s knuckles were bloodless around the handkerchief in her fist. “I don’t think either one of them knew that I was awake or whether it would have mattered if they did. Alex attacked David. They exchanged blows, fended more off, and finally stopped when the carriage slowed. They thought they had arrived home, but it was only the driver trying to negotiate bridge traffic. Neither of them looked as bad as Jem did after he was attacked, but David had the worst of it. He did not get out of the carriage when his driver came abreast of the house. Alex helped me up the front stairs on his own. I was not steady, but I could walk. By the time we reached the door, I knew I was bleeding.”
Jane rocked her chair forward and extended her hand to Morgan. She dropped the handkerchief into his open palm. She found it peculiar that her eyes were dry. There were so many moments since leaving Dr. Kent’s that she thought she might cry, and yet she hadn’t, and she didn’t now. She was very cold, though, and what she wanted to do most of all was to go to sleep.
“I was ill with a fever for a few days. Cousin Frances would not permit Alex to send for a doctor. I do not believe she prayed for my death, but it would not have been unwelcome.” Bitter laughter bubbled under Jane’s breath. “I had my revenge. I survived. It is quite possible that she would have given me any amount of money to never mention what had transpired, but I did not ask her for any. Alex found the money to pay his debt from some other source, his sister perhaps, or maybe from the law firm. I did not want to know if it was stolen, so I did not ask when he gave me one hundred dollars. It was less than he had promised when he first approached me, but I took it and held out no hope that there would be more. I left soon afterward. I am not sure that even Alex was sorry to see the last of me.”
Jane unfolded in the rocker and set her feet on the floor. “Until I visited Dr. Kent today, I did not know what had been done to me, and I will never know if Cousin Frances sent me to that awful woman because she truly believed I was carrying her bastard grandchild or because she finally uncovered Alex’s scheming and meant to punish me for my part in it. I will also never know if the abortionist was so unskilled at her work that she could not tell that I had no child in me, or if she was instructed to make certain I never bore one.
“Dr. Kent knows virtually none of the particulars. I did not want to unburden myself to him. He knows what he saw when I asked him to examine me. He says that I should not hold out hope that I will be able to give you a child.”
Morgan did not look away from her ashen features. He ached for her. He did not know what he felt for himself beyond relief that she was not dying. That was the fear that had set up in his belly since she met him at the Pennyroyal, the one that he could not name or consider until now.
He held out his hand, palm up.
Jane looked at it, looked at him, and shook her head. “I can’t,” she said. “I think I might break if I touch you now.”
Nodding, he withdrew it. “You made certain we had a conversation about children before we married. Do you remember that?”
“Yes.”
“I married you, Jane. You gave me something to think about, and I still married you.”
“But you said you wanted children.”
“I know what I said, and before that, right out of the gate, I told you I didn’t expect them exactly. I thought it would happen natural. And that means sometimes things don’t happen.” His hands curled into fists. “I reckon there is not a Ewing in New York City I don’t want to take a swing at about now, starting with the one you think of as a brother. He’d be a sight less appealing to the ladies with his nose shifted thirty degrees sideways. Your cousin Frances deserves the same, but since her nose is already so far out of joint that it creaks when she sniffs, I’d have to pop her in the mouth. Just a quick jab so she whistles when she speaks.”
Now it was Jane who stared at Morgan. Her eyes had widened fractionally. Her bottom lip was trembling.
Morgan said, “I could tear a strip off just about anyone who looked at me crossways right now, but it’s not because I’m angry with you. That’s what you need to know, Jane. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with what’s inside me except hold on to you, and since you won’t?—”
Jane threw off the blanket and stood. “No, I’m good now. I want you to hold me. I do.”
Morgan was on his feet before she finished speaking. He opened his arms and Jane walked into his embrace. She laid her cheek against his shoulder, and he laid his cheek against her hair. His hands rested at the small of her back; hers were clutching his shirt.
In the beginning, she wept silently. Morgan only knew it because he felt her tears making a damp imprint on his shirt. She did not see the wetness in his eyes. He blinked it away when he felt her first shudder. It was followed quickly by great, wracking sobs that she could not muffle even when she pressed a fist against her mouth.
