With a nod, I divert my attention back to the performance. The silence between us is deafening. The distance between us seems insurmountable.
I feel his intense gaze, like a laser beam, piercing the side of my face, but I refuse to acknowledge him. I’m done having this conversation with him. I won’t remain in a relationship whereI’m not a priority and revenge is, especially if it puts my safety at risk. I’ve already had to hide in a safe room because of his father. If Florian would simply let go of this vendetta against his father, we could move on with our lives, build some type of future together. If he’s not willing to do that for me, for us, then I can no longer stay in this relationship because it means he doesn’t value me enough. It’s as simple as that. He’s made his choice, and now, I have to make mine.
21
Florian
Despite her pleading to put her first, I couldn’t bring myself to abandon this war against my father because he will never let it go. I have to finish it because it’s the only way I’ll have any peace. It’s the only way we’ll get any peace. He’ll always come for me because I’ve taken everything that’s important to him, which means she’s in danger as long as he’s breathing. So, when she asks for time away, I agree.
It’s not because I’m letting her go. That will never be an option. But it’ll give me time to kill him and give her time to cool down. She’ll eventually understand that not only am I doing this for me, but I’m also doing this for her.
When he showed up to the theater, I couldn’t put it off any longer. Not even for her. It didn’t take Nero and Asva long to find my father and bring him to me. His ego refused to let him hide from me. So, they snatched him from one of the brothels he likes to visit after giving the madame a hefty sum of money to keep her mouth shut. He never believed I would make a move against him.
“Are you sure you want to sit in on this?” I ask Didrick for at least the fourth time while we’re on our way to Hell’s Kitchen.
I know Didrick feels the pressure to prove himself to me and our father, but deep down, he’s not cut out for this lifestyle. He’s not cut out to witness this type of brutality, and I have bigger aspirations for him than this life.
My other brothers are lost causes, and I’m sure, after I kill Olan, they’ll come after me. However, I’m not worried about that. I’ll be ready for whatever they want to do or whatever they have planned. What does worry me is the impact all this will have on Didrick. He’s clean now. I don’t want to send him spiraling back into addiction to numb his feelings about the gruesome death of his father and his role in it.
Maybe I need to put him in therapy once Olan is dead since, technically, I’ll be his guardian until he turns eighteen.
Didrick wants to prove to me he’s ready to enter this life, but deep down, I know he’s not prepared. He doesn’t have what it takes to live this life. He’s too sensitive.
I also know he wants to prove to Olan that he isn’t a complete waste of space, even though none of that matters to me as long as we’re not under Olan’s thumb.
Since getting out of rehab seven months ago, Didrick has made significant progress. He’s like a new person. He’s looking to do more in life than get high, like go back to school and get a job. I hope that dealing with Olan won’t destroy all the progress he’s made.
“How many times are you going to ask me that?” Didrick asks, irritation lacing his voice.
I really don’t care if he’s irritated with the constant questions. He needs to make sure this is something he wants to do. Once he decides it is, there’s no turning back.
“As many times as it takes for you to be damn sure this is what you want to witness.”
“And why wouldn’t I, Florian?” he asks. “He’s treated me like shit my entire life.”
“I know he’s treated you like shit, but he’s also your father.”
“He’s yours too, and you have no problem doing whatever you are about to do to him.”
“We are not the same, Didrick. Although he is my father, it’s only by blood.” I let out a weary sigh, feeling the tension in my body as I pinch the bridge of my nose. “He didn’t raise me, Didrick. We didn’t live under the same roof. He had nothing to do with me growing up, other than when he came to my home to fuck my mother and tell me I wasn’t worth shit and that he wished she had aborted me.”
The horror and pity on his face mean nothing to me. He needs to understand the differences in our childhoods. Yes, Olan is father to us both, and he’s treated us both like shit, but being treated like shit as his bastard was totally different from what Didrick and my other brothers experienced.
“I’m not telling you this for your pity, Didrick. I’m over what happened to me as a child, even if I’m not over what he forced my mother to go through. But you need to know that, even though we both had it bad as his children, we have two very different histories when it comes to Olan. You’re his son. I’m his bastard.”
He fails to see this is the most important distinction between me and him. I have no emotional attachment to Olan, which is why I can separate our connection by blood. He made me this way, which is something he didn’t do with his other children.
Didrick lets out a sigh of frustration, his hand sweeping across his forehead. He looks different from the way he did when Alrick found him behind my warehouse. He’s got a buzz cut, which makes him look older, and the most shocking change has been his weight gain. He looks so much healthier. Happier.
“That may be true, Florian, but I still need to do this for me. I need to prove to myself that he doesn’t define who I am. I need to show him that he doesn’t hold that kind of power over meanymore. He needs to see that I’m my own person, and that I’m somebody without him.”
I understand the need to do all that because I can admit it was something I needed to do when I was his age, too.
As I look at him, I observe no sign of doubt in his eyes. If this is something he truly believes he needs to do to move on with his life, I won’t stand in his way. I just hope he prepares for the consequences of watching his father die a painful and brutal death.
“I won’t try to convince you not to do this anymore, Didrick, because you have made up your mind. However, there’s only one rule that you must follow.”
“Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it, Florian.”
