I’m exhausted. Both emotionally and physically, but I also feel, dare I say… happy.
I know we are still under threat, but now that I have Bobbi, everything just feels brighter. My heart feels fuller. And the dark clouds that have lingered over me for so long have vaporised.
The compound has been different since we got back a few nights ago. Smitty has been hiding away feeling sorry for himself after Ringo beat the absolute crap out of him, and no one, not even Smitty’s two worshippers, stopped it from happening.
Celina had packed her things before the punishment was even through, declaring she can’t deal with Nate’s brand of crazy anymore, and that being head Doxy wasn’t worth it.
She moved back into the Doxy den that night, where she’s stayed ever since.
The Doxies were over the moon to finally meet Bobbi. Darla gave me an old pram that her sister left behind, so I’ve been using it as a bed for Bobbi to sleep in. It’s not ideal. I’d love a proper bassinet for her, but since the only other option is putting Bobbi in bed between me and Ringo, and I’m terrified one of us will roll on her in our sleep, the pram will have to do for now.
It’s certainly close quarters sharing the small bungalow with Jols, JD and a pram, but we’ve been able to make it work. Having the extra help has been great too, like last night when Jols got up with Bobbi when she woke at four in the morning and fed her a bottle. I was completely out of it and didn’t hear my little girl rousing and later woke up to see JD and Jols snuggled close together, smiling down at Bobbi as she drank down the bottle of formula.
Guilt seeps back in as I think about that.
While I have maintained a milk supply, with Ringo’s assistance in the background, it’s still not enough. Bobbi started to get really restless and hungry, so I’ve had to add in some formula feeds as well, and I’m thankful now that nurse Caroline insisted we take the bottles and teets with us before… well, before everything happened. Before she died.
“You’re quiet.” Ringo’s voice drags me out of my thoughts, and I blink a few times to bring me back to the present.
“Sorry,” I mutter, offering him a small smile. “Today was a lot.”
Today… the one thing I’mtryingnot to think about.
Because today, we sent off Trunk, Stocky and Trigger.
Their cuts were laid over their motorcycles. Their drinks of choice shot down. Their favourite songs played in the background. Their names added to the lists inked on each and every Southern Sadist.
“Ride ‘em high.
Ride or die.”
God… There is so much honourable beauty in the way they send off their men.
Their fallen.
At the last Southern Sadist funeral, I killed Wendy. That particular memory swarmed through my mind so many times today that it started to piss me off.
That woman doesn’t deserve the airtime in my head.
“It was a lot.” Ringo’s gaze flicks to mine from the driver’s seat. “I’m sorry if it brought up… stuff.”
My smile is slight as I stare at my husband’s profile as he drives us into Redfield. He knows me too well. He knows exactly what my mind was doing to me, running like a reel in my head.
“I’m sure it brought stuff up for you too,” I say, watching his lip twitch as he tries to hide his feelings.
Yes, Cam, I know you just as well as you know me.
“Maybe we can arrange another secure video call to Tahli later.” His eyes flick from the road to me. “Would that make you feel better?”
My smile is wide as I nod eagerly. I miss my sister and worry about her constantly.
The day after we arrived back at the compound, Ringo had arranged for me to call my little sister, and she got to see her niece for the first time via video. Alana and Millie were there too, and once we were done, Doreen was handed the phone and cried when she saw Ringo holding Bobbi.
I can’t wait for them to meet her in person, but for now, we’ll have to stick to video calls. My mum has been calling daily, although I never pick up, and we still don’t know who gave up our location while we were in South Australia.
“Do you think we can visit her soon?” I ask my husband hopefully, and he shrugs.
“I’m not sure, Angel.” Ringo’s voice has a moody edge to it. “You know whathe’slike.”
