“Never,” Mack muttered, his voice growing quiet and unsure again. “I've called girls my girlfriend, but it's never been serious. I didn't hang out with them all the time or anything,” he admitted, only to fall silent.
Levi thought to himself for a moment, as he brushed his fingers through Mack's hair. “So you've never dated anyone you were comfortable with?” he guessed, beginning to see the light. This really was new to Mack; on a much bigger scale than it was for him. No wonder he'd freaked out a little and wanted to out them.
“I guess.” He sighed, making that admission grudgingly.
“You were different when we were just friends. Even when you flirted, you were confident and in charge. I always thought that if we got together you'd be the dominant force, but now I'm not sure,” he said, thinking aloud.
“Does that change how you feel?”
“No.” Levi let another comfortable silence take over the room. It was clear they both had a lot on their minds and he was still trying to work out how to teach Mack what a real relationship should be, when he'd never had one. The only genuine relationship, with give and take, love, trust and honesty that he'd ever witnessed was Tam and Casen's. Or even Tam's parents. But how did he explain that to Mack?
Mack sighed deeply. “Levi, I'm tired, okay. I've always had to be the strong, forceful one with Casen, because he's like a lost puppy all the time. I love that about him and so does Tam, but being the big brother and always being right and in charge is exhausting,” he confided, sounding a little scared.
“With you, as your friend, I could let go. We were just us, and you didn't need me to be anything other than me. That's why I got so comfortable with you. That's why, when I realised how you felt, I could see this being possible,” he explained, weariness deep in his voice. He'd held strong for too long and needed to let go or he would crumble. “But if you want me to be some dominating prick twenty-four hours a day, then I can't do it. I just want to be me and I might be crazy, jealous, stupid, possessive, and I might jump to the wrong conclusions all the time, but that's who I am. I'm insecure, and scared you'll change your mind about me once you see who I really am,” he finished, speaking from the heart. His words were strong in their own way, held together with conviction.
Levi could tell that if he pushed, even just a little, Mack would break apart in his hands. But that was okay too. “I already know who you really are, Mack. And I'm not going anywhere,” he promised, tilting Mack's head up to see that he had tears in his eyes.
Mack shook his head at himself and looked away, but Levi held him still and kissed him. His boyfriend closed his eyes, squeezing another tear out as he responded to the kiss.
“I'm all the same things you are,” Levi reassured him, keeping his voice low and quiet. “I'm insecure and scared you won't want me. I was jealous when you were talking to those girls; when you kissed that guy. I want you all to myself,” he whispered, as another tear fell.
Mack opened his eyes, looking so vulnerable in his arms. It was strangely attractive and it was nice to see his softer side. “Can we just–” he cleared his throat, “try?”
Levi nodded and brushed his tears away. “You know what I want?” he asked.
Mack shook his head again, looking beyond words at the moment.
“I want what Tam and Casen have. I want the kind of relationship where we can be best friends and boyfriends at the same time. Where it doesn't matter when, if or how we move forward, as long as we do so together,” he admitted.
Mack smiled and his eyes welled up all over again. “That's what I want.” He nodded his agreement. Then he laughed at himself and wiped his cheeks.
Levi helped, only because he looked so embarrassed.
“You can't tell Casen,” he warned, “but I've been really jealous of what they have. Even before I felt this for you, I wanted what they've got and I felt bad about it.”
“Don't feel bad. I want it too and I know Casen would understand,” Levi promised, letting his fingers caress Mack's cheekbone as he brushed his tears aside. Soon enough, he was good as new and managed to reign in his emotions.
Mack sniffed and shook off his feelings one final time, before clearing his throat. “Can we still have that movie day?” he asked, gazing up at him.
“Yeah. You wait here. I'll grab a bunch of films and make some popcorn,” he offered, hoping that would give him some time to calm down and realise this wasn't the disaster it first appeared.
Mack nodded his agreement instantly.
He got up off the bed and made his way to the door. Levi stopped, when he remembered something. “You still happy with the comic book films?”
Mack nodded again, so he left the room.
Levi couldn't believe it, but he had a feeling they'd just had their first 'couples' fight and survived. And even weirder was that he was glad they'd had this conversation. Now that everything was out in the open, they could move forward.
