Sunshine winced. “Maybe you could find someone you trusted to help you with … personal relations.”
“Who?” He cocked a brow. “I don’t trust most people to fill up a glass of water from the tap.”
“Well …” She grinned. “I did see Meph break a glass last time he tried that here, so I don’t suppose I blame you.”
“Exactly.”
“But that doesn’t mean everyone is like that.” She chuckled. “There are lots of competent humans. Caro, the human Raum works with at the shelter, is very intelligent. I doubt she would break a glass.”
“She would still shit her pants if I flew into a rage.”
Sunshine pursed her lips. There was no denying that.
“Working with or even near humans isn’t an option, Sunshine. You need to stop suggesting it. If I listened to you, people would end up dead when I inevitably lose it and burn down the building. Then you’d definitely have to send me back to Hell.”
“I think you have more control than you believe, Belial.”
“You willing to bet lives on that?”
She slid the chopped mushrooms across the cutting board with a sigh. “I agree you have a point. I just wish you could find something to sustain you the way your brothers have.”
“I don’t want to kill people. You should be glad. Isn’t the whole purpose of your new job to make sure I’m not going on murder sprees?”
“I already know you’re not.” She smiled, chopping the leek next. Her pieces were a little uneven, and he was glad he’d sharpened his knives earlier; with the way she was cutting, she’d fillet herself if the blade slipped. But … she was all right.
He tossed the mushrooms in the pan to fry and then threw in the garlic. “Then why are we still talking about this?”
“Just doing my job,” she replied evenly. “And part of that job is to make sure every demon under my care has a healthy outlet for their inevitable frustrations. It just so happens that your frustrations are more … explosive than others.”
He snorted. Talk about an understatement.
Or maybe a very literal statement.
“Your brothers have all found somewhere they fit in. They have a purpose, goals they’re working toward, and people around them who support that.”
Yeah, they did, and he was fucking glad about it. When Asmodeus had convinced them all to escape Hell, Bel had never pictured they’d have ended up where they were now. All well-adjusted and balanced and shit.
Asmodeus had broken his curse. Mishetsu had escaped his slave bonds. Meph had made peace with his demon. Raum had finally solved the mystery of his lost memories, and Bel had even seen him laugh the other day, for fuck’s sake.
Maybe Hell had turned into a frozen wasteland since they’d left.
“I want that for you,” Sunshine said, abandoning her chopping efforts to look pointedly at him. He pretended not to notice, still tossing the veggies into the pan.
“I want you to find that kind of purpose and acceptance, Belial. I believe you can.”
Problem was … he didn’t share that belief. Not with his rage, and the fact that when he lost control, he turned into a flaming beast who obliterated everything in his path. While he was on Earth, his entire focus had to be on never letting that beast out of its cage. Otherwise people would die.
He hadn’t left Hell for himself. Hell was the only place he was safe, really. The only place he was able to give into the rage without fear of hurting others. He didn’t give a shit if he fried a bunch of demons. He didn’t give much of a shit about humans either, but he didn’t want to break the rules, and fried humans tended to stay dead, unlike regenerating demons.
He’d escaped Hell for his brothers. To give them a chance at a better life. He’d done it because they wouldn’t have gone without him. Because for some stupid reason, they looked to him for some kind of leadership—something he’d never wanted to give.
And now …
From now until he fucked up and got himself banished backto Hell, it was all about surviving. Holding in the rage. Keeping control of the anger. Never letting the flames take over.
Just keep holding it in.
One day, he’d probably snap, and the consequences would be disastrous. But he was going to put that day off for as long as possible. He’d keep trying. For his brothers.
