Jessie started to move slowly underneath the covers, climbing beneath them entirely so he couldn’t look at her anymore.
“Jessie,” he said from outside her cocoon.
“I’m hiding.”
“I see that.”
He lifted the blankets up and got under them with her. It was dim, but not entirely dark, and being this close to him was making her dizzy.
“What’s wrong?”
“You can never underestimate how embarrassing it will be to lose your virginity at twenty-eight.”
“Well. You’ve got me there. I don’t actually know what that’s like.”
“Clearly.”
“Talk to me.”
“But it’s so much easier to keep pushing you away.”
He gripped her arm and dragged her up above the covers again, settling in beside her. “No. That was easier to a point. But it’s not easier now. Now you might as well just tell me everything. Because I already know.”
He presented a winning argument with that. He did already know. He was the only person who knew. Consequently, maybe he was the only reasonable person to have this discussion with. He was the one who had to do this. Had to be the one to … Well.
“I learned a really great trick when I was in middle school,” she said. “If you act like you have it all, then people believe you. And so I did that. I started acting like I didn’t care about them. What they thought. I dressed the way that I wanted to, and I acted confident about it. I acted like I didn’t want to go to their birthday parties. Like I didn’t need them at mine. And suddenly everyone got a lot moreinterested in being my friend. It worked so well I carried it into everything. But … if anybody actually knew me, then they would know …” She looked around the room. “This is who I am.”
“Stuffed animals and a pink bedspread?”
“Yes. And baking and actually caring quite a lot what people think about me, and about this community. I didn’t want to let anyone in. And the longer all this went on, the harder it was to explain.”
“Why me?”
“It had to be you. Because …” She was going to have to be honest. Not just with him, but with herself. “I’m attracted to you. I have been for a long time.”
“When? Tell me about the first time.”
“You tell me,” she said. “I think I’ve given up quite enough, don’t you?”
He let out a long, slow breath, lifted his arm up and rested it under his head, and her eyes went to his bicep. Because he really was hot, even now that they were doing this whole intimacy thing. Even now that she felt exposed and a little bit threadbare.
“You snuck into the bar with a fake ID. I think you were probably twenty. I remembered you from high school, of course. You were always pretty. But two years younger than me, which seemed like a lot in those days.”
“True.”
“So when you walked into the bar, it was like … I realized we were basically the same age. But mainly, I looked at you and … my heart just about jumped through my chest. You were wearing white jeans. A white tank top. Your belt was sparkly, and your boots were bright blue.”
“You remember all that?”
“I do. I remember you turned your head, and you smiled at Gus. I think you were giving him a hard time about your ID. Your hair caught the light. Everything about you just sparkled.”
“That was eight years ago.”
“Yeah. It was. And I don’t do abstinence, Jessie. I don’t hold back from what I want, not physically. But there was always somethingelse wrapped around you. I told myself that it was your family name, and mine. They don’t mix. Like oil and water.”
“No. They don’t. At least, they never have.”
“But things are changing.”
