“I’ve seen you leave The Watering Hole with men before.”
“Have you?”
The thing about her legend was that it was so secure, nobody ever really questioned it. What they saw versus what they thought they saw; the truth versus what they thought they knew. It hurt her a little bit to know that Flynn was the same, that he didn’t magically see her in a way no one else had. But it didn’t matter. Not really.
“I … I was sure I had.”
“A lot of people are sure they have. And there are plenty of men who like to brag to their friends that they’ve done it with me. I kind of let the rumors go on. Mainly because I think they’re funny.”
“Jessie … you’re beautiful.”
“I know. Not having sex is my choice. It isn’t because nobody wanted me.”
And that, at least, was true. Not any kind of false bravado.
This wall of protection she had built around herself was entirely of her own making. She had been comfortable with it. Happy with it.
Until Flynn. Until this whole thing had become inevitable. Until she had decided that there was no point avoiding it anymore.
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, does it put you off?”
He stared at her for a long moment. “No. As long as you’re clear that you want to do this, it doesn’t put me off at all.”
“I’m the one who said I wanted to do it, aren’t I?”
“Yes. You are.”
“I want to. You’re the one who didn’t know I was a virgin, not me.” Using the word in front of him made her want to curl into a ball and hide. But she wasn’t going to do that. She was going to be bold. She was going to be that version of herself she knew worked well. “We don’t need to go slow or anything.”
“I want to do this,” he said. “But I need you to realize something. I’m the expert. So you don’t get to tell me what to do. If you want me to be your first time, then you let me show you.”
“Well, what if you don’t do what I like?”
“Then you tell me. Me being in charge doesn’t mean you don’t get a say in what feels good and what doesn’t. In fact, it’s very important that you tell me exactly what feels good, and anything that might not. But we can’t go fast. We need to take our time. You only get to do this for the first time once, Jessie, and I am not going to waste that.”
A lump began to form in her throat, a feeling of panic. Of fear. She wanted to push him away. Or pull him close. She didn’t want to have him stand there like that looking her dead in the eye. She didn’t want him to hold her the way he was, so gentle. Why couldn’t it just be hard and fast and done? They could have finished by now, she could already not be a virgin, but he insisted on talking.
On making it special. Making her feel special.
“I want to talk about this,” he said. “But after.”
She closed her eyes. Okay. She was good with that. They didn’t need to talk about it now. And maybe they could avoid it altogether.
He leaned in and he kissed her. But it was slow this time. Achingly so. Deep and reverent. And part of her wanted to pull away, but she couldn’t. Because it felt too good.
He cupped her face, sifted his fingers through her hair, as if she was a treasure. As if she was something sweet to be savored, something worth taking his time over.
And it was like balm for her very weary soul. She had never felt particularly special. Not until she had decided to act special. But still, there was a part of her that could never really believe it. A part of her that didn’t fully think she deserved anything. That was still convinced she was a contagion. A sad, strange little girl who didn’t have any friends, and who never could as long as she was being herself.
But that thought, that part of herself, began to melt away with his kisses. He trailed his fingertips down her spine, moving to the tab of her zipper and taking it down slowly. “Can I take this off?”
She let out a shaking laugh. “Haven’t you been listening? I want you to.”
“Don’t rush me.”
“I thought men liked to go fast.”
