I was hoping that the clothes were another sign of recovery. In the last two weeks, Clara had gradually abandoned the unrelenting black and grey. Yesterday she wore a bright yellow t-shirt with leggings that had tiny daisies all over them. Granted, she had a grey cardigan over the top, but still, it was brighter than any of her old clothes.
The pink jumper she was in now, paired with light blue jeans, was a real leap forward. Poppy was still keeping up the steady stream of clothing into Clara’s wardrobe.
“Right… well, thanks but that’s not the point,” Clara said in frustration.
“I’m sorry, darling. What exactly was the point again?” I asked, feigning confusion.
“Rafe Sterling, you know exactly what I’m talking about. All my stuff is here now, including George the goldfish.”
“Well, technically George never left. He’s a Sterling now.”
Her lips twitched but her eyes narrowed at me. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed my mugs have made their way into your cupboard and my grandma’s throw is on the sofa. You’ve moved me in! Is there anything left in my flat?”
I paused for a moment, then, “No.”
“Ugh! Rafe, I’m not staying here.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s… it’s inappropriate.”
I tilted my head to the side. “How so?”
Clara threw her hands up in the air. “I’m just some random teacher with a dodgy background that you barelyeven know. And I’ve disrupted your whole life, r-r-ruined your career…” she broke off as tears filled her eyes.
“Clara,” I said in a firm tone as I stood from my stool, ready to go to her, but when I took a step towards her, she took a corresponding one back and I froze. I’d promised myself not to stalk her or corner her like I wanted to. Only a total dickhead would crowd and bulldoze his way in with a traumatised woman. I had to be careful, even if all my instincts were screaming at me to close the distance between us and take her in my arms.
“No, Rafe, let me finish,” she said in a shaky voice. “I need to say this. Zach and I should move out. You c-can be free of us. I’m like a millstone around your neck now. I’ve barely been functioning, and I can’t just hide here forever. I should have been stronger and left sooner. It’s just this house feels so safe, and I think I needed that.” She broke off to pick up the puppy who was scrabbling at her feet, lifting him up so he could snuggle into the soft wool over her chest. Lucky dog. “But I’m getting better. I’m not as scared anymore. I’m back at work part-time, and last week I even went out. Okay, it was with Poppy and Lily, and okay, we had close protection shadowing us, but it was a big step for me, and I think it shows I’m ready to be on my own.”
“Clara, do youwantto be on your own?” I said softly as I stared straight into those deep brown eyes.
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” she whispered, one of her tears falling down her cheek and then onto the puppy’s fur. My chest tightened and I had to expend a considerable amount of effort not to stride over there and take her in my arms.
“Yes, it does, darling. It’s theonlything that matters. Why do you think you ruined my career?”
She blinked across at me. “You had to recuse yourselfbecause of me. I know that hurt your career, Rafe. If I’d been honest with you from the start, then it could have all been avoided.”
“How do youknowit hurt my career?”
She threw her hands up. “All you’ve ever wanted was to be a high court judge, and I ruined that for you. And now you’re here way more than you ever were before. You used to work long hours, but you’ve cut right back. I’m not an idiot.Idid that. I know I did. You might not resent me for it now because your judgement is clouded with some warped sense of guilt about what happened at the courthouse. But you can’t just keep letting Zach and me stay here out of guilt.Ican’t let you do it.”
“Guilt?” I stared at her as everything about the last month rearranged in my mind. “You think you’re here because I feel guilty?”
She frowned at me. “Well, yes, of course.” Her voice dropped again to a whisper. “And I love being here so much, being near you so much that I let you do it even though I knew it was wrong. I’m taking advantage of you, and you’re letting me because you’re a good man.”
That was when my control snapped. I simply could not listen to any more of her nonsense. Of course I felt guilty. Iwasguilty. But guilt being the reason behind me wanting her to stay with me? What was she on about?
Fuck giving her space. Fuck not crowding her. I’d had enough.
“I think you may have the wrong impression of me, Clara,” I said in a low voice as I stalked towards her. “I’mnota good man.”
Her eyes flew wide and she took a couple of steps back, the hand that wasn’t holding the puppy coming up to ward me off, but I didn’t stop until I’d backed her and the puppyup against the kitchen counter, caging them in with my hands resting on the granite either side of them.
“Yes, I’ve felt guilt over walking away from you in the courthouse. I will regret that for the rest of my life. But that is not why you and Zach are here.”
“It’s not?” she whispered as she stared up at me, her eyes still wide but the tears now had thankfully receded.
“No, baby,” I said softly as my hand came up to gently stroke her hair back behind her ear. “And my career is fine.”
