I want to feel safe.
Three words that shouldn't have wrecked me as thoroughly as they did.
"What do you need?" I asked, my voice rough.
"Can you just..." She bit her lip, looking uncertain. Vulnerable in a way she never let herself be. "Will you hold me? Just hold me. Nothing else. I just need to feel like someone's there."
It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I nodded.
"Yeah," I said softly. "I can do that."
We ended up on the couch because her bed felt too intimate and the floor wasn't an option.
I sat with my back against the armrest, my legs stretched out across the cushions, and Betty curled up against my chest like she'd been doing it for years instead of ten years ago.
She fit perfectly. Just like she always had. Her head tucked under my chin, her hand flat against my heart, her legs tangled with mine. I wrapped my arms around her and held on, trying not to think about how right this felt. How much I'd missed it.
"I'm not forgiving you," she said into my chest.
"I know, honey." The endearment slipped out before I could stop it, and I felt her stiffen. "Sorry. I know you don't want me to call you that."
A long pause. Then, so quietly I almost didn't hear it. "It's okay. Just this once."
My arms tightened around her.
We lay there in the dark, listening to each other breathe. I could feel her heart beating against my ribs, fast at first, then gradually slowing as the tension drained out of her body.
"Hudson?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you really leave?"
The question landed like a punch to the solar plexus.
"I told you. The work I was doing."
"No." She lifted her head to look at me, her eyes searching my face in the dim light. "The real reason. Not the excuse. Not the justification. The real reason you walked away."
I stared at her for a long moment, my heart pounding.
The truth. She wanted the truth.
"I was scared," I admitted, the words feeling like broken glass in my throat. "I was twenty-two years old, being recruited for black ops work that would take me to the darkest corners of the world. And I loved you so much that I couldn't breathe when you weren't next to me."
Her eyes widened, but she didn't interrupt.
"I'd seen what happened to guys in my unit who had someone waiting at home. They got distracted. Made mistakes. Got themselves or their teammates killed because they were thinking about their wives, their kids, their girlfriends instead of the mission." I swallowed hard. "Or worse, someone used their families against them. Kidnapped. Threatened. Hurt."
"So you left to protect me."
"I left because I was terrified of what would happen if I didn't. If someone found out about you. If they used you to get to me." My voice cracked. "I left because I loved you too much to risk you. And I've regretted it every single day since."
She was quiet for a long moment, processing.
"I would have waited for you. I would have done whatever it took to make it work."
"I know that. Now." I reached up, brushing a strand of hair from her face. "I was young and stupid and so fucking scared of losing you that I convinced myself losing you on my terms was better than losing you to something I couldn't control."
