“I can give you ether to make you more comfortable duringthe exam,” Nora offered, forcing her mind back to the current problem.
Julia closed her eyes and sat down again, as if the brief conversation had wrung her lifeless. “Harry blames himself. For doing the surgery. And I blame myself for trying to kill myself. If I’d just had the child…” She swiped at her eyes. “My father blames himself for demanding Harry get rid of it—”
“Julia—”
“Blame enough to drown us all, and nothing to make it better. Harry and I couldn’t let any other doctor know what we’ve done. That’s why I couldn’t see one.”
Nora waited without breathing. Of course they couldn’t consult anyone.
“And I was so ashamed to tell you. Afraid you’d blame Harry for an imperfect surgery. I wasn’t the best patient. I was hysterical and fighting until they dosed me with enough morphia to force me unconscious again.”
Mrs. Phipps blanched, frozen.
Nora shuddered. Julia had survived that nightmare; they could bring her through this one.
“I have tools that will help me see.” She was fairly certain Harry didn’t own a speculum. The reasons for his distaste for obstetric work were now painfully clear. “If you were pregnant once, there’s hope.”
Julia twisted her hands into a mangled knot. “That’s what we said for years. But I can’t find hope anymore.”
“Then we’ll find it together,” Nora promised. “But I can’t treat you if you’re in Denmark.”
After a quiet moment, Julia motioned with her chin towardNora’s stomach. “If you keep seeing the sick and working all day, you could lose your child. Harry wrote me, saying that Daniel’s worried sick about you.” She dropped her gaze, staring at her clenched hands. “Is it necessary for you to put yourself in such danger?”
Nora’s voice came out too high and forced. “I’ve hardly any symptoms. And the factory women keep working until they’re too large to be seen in public.” She had already ordered a higher-waisted dress that would conceal any swelling of her middle, though there’d been none to speak of yet. “I have time.”
She didn’t add that she wasn’t at all sure Daniel was worried abouther. He didn’t seem heartbroken that she’d be forced to watch the war with cholera from a safe perch when she most wanted to help fight; his worry was for the tiny stranger deep in her womb.
“I could examine you tomorrow, if you wish.” It wasn’t the time to think of herself.
Julia took a staggered breath and looked to Mrs. Phipps, who gave a gentle nod.
“Harry could even help me administer the ether, if you want him there—”
Julia shook her head furiously.
“Are you afraid of the pain?” Nora laid her hand lightly on Julia’s, a promise in the touch. “You’ve never used the ether, but it’s strangely pleasant. You’ll see.”
“It’s not that.” Julia hung her shaking head, one silver tear plunging to her lap. She exhaled and dropped her shoulders in defeat. “If you examine me and say it’s impossible”—her painhung between them, thickening in the cool air—“I’ll believe you.”
Chapter 25
“The surgery will demand all my attention,” Daniel explained. “A moment’s distraction could be fatal, so I need each instrument laid out in order. Neither of us should have to think where the blunt-edged forceps are—and I’m particular with the scissors. The bevel angle of the blade changes depending on the tissue I intend to cut, so I always want them arranged from least to greatest.”
Fred Matson, his newest dresser, nodded.
“Exactly like this.” Daniel gestured at the tray again, unsatisfied by the younger man’s unearned self-assurance.
“Dr. Gibson?”
“What is it, Jeffers?” Daniel spared a smile for his favorite senior dresser, who’d drawn and studied diagrams of the different ways Daniel arranged his trays duringhisfirst year at St. Bart’s.
“A gentleman to see you. I told him you were occupied, but he said I should give you his card. Then I saw his name and thought I’d offended him.” Guiltily, Jeffers proffered the white square in his freckled hand. Daniel recognized his father’s name and the elegant scrolled letters.
Matthew Gibson, Esq.
Damn. He glanced about, but of course there was nothinghere to wet his throat and stiffen his nerves. The only liquid in sight was a cloudy urine sample he’d examined. His father shouldn’t be here—not with cholera filling the hospital.
“I left him in your office,” Jeffers said. “And there’s—”
