“Don’t try to shame me like that. You know that’s not what I mean.”
“No, quite frankly, I don’t knowwhatyou mean, about anything.” He stood and walked away, dragging his hands through his hair. “This keeps happening. We share something—a moment, a tragedy, a look, a kiss—and I think maybe, just maybe, you feel even the barest hint of what I feel for you. And then you completely close yourself off to me. You treat me like I’ve done something wrong when I know I haven’t. Why?”
Listening to him, I could hardly breathe. All I could do was sit there on the floor and search for words that wouldn’t come.
He watched me, waiting, until finally his shoulders sagged and the light went out of his eyes. He nodded to himself and made for the bed, shrugging off his coat. Something about the way he held himself, like all the hope had been torn out of him, made me panic. If we fell asleep like this, I would lose him. The thought terrified me. And yet Iwantedto lose him, didn’t I?
“I’m trying to do what’s best,” I blurted out.
He sat on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, and regarded me evenly. “I don’t know what that means.”
“It means…” I shook my head and pressed my lips together, looking around the room as if I’d find the answer somewhere on the walls. But there was no answer. Whatever choice I made, there would be only heartbreak.
“I’m too afraid to tell you,” I whispered.
“Well, we can’t go on like this, can we?”
“Can’t we?”
“I can’t. My heart can’t bear it.”
The resigned sadness in his voice shattered my resolve. The whole wild world had narrowed down to this single room, this single man, and the tidy fire burning steadily at my back. I was too close to it; I feltlike I was boiling and would soon spill over. I could no longer pretend nothing was wrong.Everythingwas wrong.
“And neither can mine!” The words burst out of me. “No matter what I do here, it will hurt me, and I’m tired of hurting, Gareth.”
I drew in a ragged breath. My throat was so tight that it was hard to speak.
“With the exception of the few living people left whom I truly love,” I said, “I have lost everything dear to me. My home, my family. Lovers, friends. My freedom. And then you saunter into my life with your books and your glasses, and that godsdamned arrogant smile, and that hair that you’re forever running your hands through.”
I couldn’t properly see him anymore. Through the shimmer of my tears, I could make out only the blurry shape of his body amongst the warm shadows.
“And your brilliant brain,” I went on, wiping my face, “and how kind you are to me, and to my sister. How good and patient and diligent you are with your colleagues, and how brave you are, how completely heedless of your own safety.”
He returned to the fire and knelt beside me, gently taking my hands in his. “That sounds an awful lot like someone else I know.”
“And you make me laugh. I’ll never forget that feeling of dancing with you at the ball. I’d not laughed in so long. I’m not very good at it.”
He touched my face with the backs of his fingers. “You’re good at everything, and I won’t hear any different.”
I shook my head and reached up to cover his hand with my own—my hurt one, still bandaged, still tender. For the rest of my life, I would see my scarred hand and remember the fae tree, and how he’d shouted up at me as we climbed, refusing to let me give up.
“I’m not good at this,” I said desperately.
“Neither am I.” He sat back on his heels with a smile. “What a splendid match we are.”
“A monster,” I whispered, “and a menace.”
“A menace I most certainly am, but you arenota monster.”
“You thought I was when I killed Luthaes.” I looked up at him, steeling myself against the memory. “I saw your face after I bludgeoned him.”
“Well, I’d just nearly been killed, and yes, it startled me, but—”
My heart sank. I started to move away. “You see?”
“But,” he continued quickly, turning me back to him, “he deserved it. And you saved me. I just don’t have a strong stomach, I’m afraid.” He smiled, his expression as tender as a spring morning. “Although it’s gotten stronger, these last few weeks. So much of me has grown stronger, and that’s all because of you.”
I laughed sadly. “Because you’ve had to adapt to survive around me.”
