“If I drink any more, I’ll throw up,” he announced.
“That’s fine,” I told him. “It’ll be there when you want it.”
“My room is a mess. I’m sorry.”
“Why? I’m not the one who has to live in it.”
A small smile touched the corner of his mouth. “Fair enough.”
Perhaps I should have left him then, but I was so glad to see even a hint of expression on his face that I hated the idea of walking away. I stood there awkwardly, telling myself that it was practical to stay with him. Though unlikely, some trace of the demon’s influencecouldstill be inside him. Leaving would be irresponsible.
“What would be most helpful to you right now?” I asked. “Food? Solitude?”
He sat there for a long moment, hands on his knees, and then at last he said quietly, “In Mhorghast, I was a plaything. Did I tell you that?”
He said it so matter-of-factly that I felt a little sick. With a sharp look and a silent gesture toward the door, I ordered Freyda to wait outside and then sat down beside him. “Not in so many words, no.”
“One moment I was in the basement of the Citadel with Farrin and the others. The next, I was swept up in shadows, and when I cameto, I was in a pen with dozens of other humans from across the continent. Oldens inspected us—fae, demons, a furiant, a titan, all loyal to Kilraith. One of them was Luthaes.” He blew out a shaky breath. “He came for me specifically. Kilraith had sent him.”
“He wanted your mind.”
Gareth nodded. “The abductions weren’t random. He took those he found most entertaining, or those whose absence would hurt the people he wanted to hurt.”
“Like Farrin,” I said quietly.
“And Ryder. Though I never saw Alastrina while I was there. I’m sure that was intentional.” He stood and began pacing the little room. “Sometimes Kilraith simply wanted fodder. He took those people indiscriminately. They could have been anyone—magic, no magic, it didn’t matter as long as they were warm bodies for his followers to torment. He also tookrequests.”
The venom with which he spat the word gave me chills. “From his followers?”
“Whatever struck their fancy, whatever type of person they felt like hurting, whatever magic they wished to abuse and turn on others. That was their favorite pastime: turning us against each other.”
He stopped at the window, his back to me. “That’s where I came in.”
I waited for him to continue, my body so tense it ached.
“So much mind to grab on to,” murmured Gareth. “That’s what Luthaes said, remember? And he was right. The body hosting Jaetris was old and weak, which weakened Jaetris himself even further. He was trapped inside his human host, a prisoner like the rest of us. But with my help, he grew stronger.”
“Your mind amplified his power,” I said quietly.
“And steadied his grip on the world, made it easier for him and Kilraith to play.” Gareth folded his arms across his middle, still facing away from me. His voice was tired, thin. “I don’t blame Jaetris. Fromwhat I gathered, he’d only recently been reborn. He hadn’t had years to orient himself, as your mother had. He was vulnerable. Easy prey for Kilraith.”
Gareth was quiet for a long time. His breathing quickened, and his whole body stiffened with tension.
I wanted so badly to go to him, but I stayed where I was. “Gareth, you don’t have to tell me any more if—”
“But I do. I haven’t told anyone, and it’s killing me. I can’t look at you, though. I’m sorry, I just can’t bear it.”
“That’s fine. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
He laughed. “Oh, but you’re wrong. There’sso muchfor me to be sorry for, but so many of the people who deserve to hear that the most are dead. And those who still live…” He shuddered. “I can’t even be sure they remember what happened. Maybe hearing my apology would help them, but I won’t risk unearthing memories that should stay deeply buried just for the sake of my own peace.”
Finally he turned back to me. Tears ran silently down his face.
“I remember each and every one of them,” he said. “Of course I do. Myfuckingbrain. I remember every single person who screamed and cried and begged me for mercy. There were dozens. I cut them and made them cut each other. I beat them, I strangled them, I even forced myself on them while his followers watched and applauded.”
As he spoke, my blood burned with fury. I was a soldier; I was no stranger to violence. But seeing Gareth like this, hearing his confession and trying not to imagine the terrible things he’d witnessed—that he’ddone—was a new kind of horror.
“Sometimes Kilraith wanted me to be their tormentor,” he said. “Other times he preferred to simply use me as a conduit. An amplifier, as you put it. I would sit there, held immobile, watching situations unfold as my mind gave Jaetris strength and his tendrils invaded the minds of everyone around me. I was part of theaudience. I’d be atJaetris’s feet while he sat on his throne, just as frozen as I was, both of us caught in the same mental prison. Sometimes Kilraith was there, and sometimes he wasn’t. But thanks to theytheliad, his will was just as present either way, just as irresistible.”
