“Well, now you know,” he said, the biting tone of his voice bringing me a strange comfort. At least I’d finally managed to get to him.
“And what does she think of it?” I asked, unable to stop myself. I raised my staff to a horizontal position and circled him.
He mimicked my movements, matching my pace. “Who? And of what?”
“Your mother. What does she think of what happened to you in Mhorghast?”
A look of hurt passed quickly over his face. “She told me,” he replied, his voice hard, “that I’d embarrassed her.”
Straightening, I stopped where I was. “Why would she say that?” I asked.
“You don’t believe me.”
“She’s your mother.”
“And she has long wished that my father were alive and that I’d died instead. Father,” he added darkly, “would have fought back. Father wouldn’t have let himself be used in such a way.”
His words evoked images I didn’t want to see, questions I didn’t want answered. On his face was that same awful flat emptiness that I’d seen come over him in Fairhaven, when General Haldrin had pointed to his time in Mhorghast as a reason not to trust him. His expression had looked familiar to me then, and now I realized why. I’d seen it on myself in the mirror, and on the faces of Cira, Brigid, Caralind, even defiant Danesh. It was the look of someone who lived under the weight of horrors—horrors inflicted upon them, and horrors they had inflicted upon others.
But I didn’t want to feel sorry for him or for myself. I didn’t want to feel anything unless it was pain being dealt either by me or to me.
“Was she right?” I said quietly, hating myself as I said it. “Did you let yourself be used?”
He came at me without a word, and I let him. The air around him snapped with anger, and I reveled in it. I didn’t even raise my staff to defend myself, and when his clipped my shoulder, white-hot painburst down my arm. I fell hard to my knees and waited for the next blow.
But it didn’t come. Instead Gareth tossed his staff aside. It clattered across the stone. In quiet desperation, I watched it roll away.
“What is this?” he said, breathing hard. “What are you doing?”
“Keep going.” The words shot out of me like arrows. “Why did you stop?”
“You’re goading me. You let me strike you. You didn’t even try to block me. Why?”
I shook my head, feeling a bit like I was going mad. “Why did you stop?” I whispered.
There was an awful silence, and then he knelt before me. He cupped my face in his hands and tilted it up to his. His palms were so lovely and warm against my skin that I couldn’t help but lean into his touch.
His breath hitched. He stroked my cheek with his thumb, and then, without lowering his soft gaze from mine, found one of my hands and brought my fingers to his lips. The sensation was like a bolt of lightning—sudden, bright, breathtaking. Perhaps I should have scolded him for his presumptuousness, but I couldn’t find the words. I could only burn.
“You are being unkind to me,” he said quietly, “and you are not an unkind person. What are you trying to do?”
I’d never wanted anything in my life more than I wanted him to kiss me again—my fingers, my mouth, anywhere,everywhere. But I didn’t deserve the gift of his touch. I didn’t deserve the worry I saw in his eyes.
When I didn’t answer him, he made a frustrated sound in his throat. “Mara. If you don’t answer me, I’ll start shouting for the whole priory to hear about how you’ve just confessed an all-consuming love for me.”
My choked laughter surprised me. “I hurt Brigid,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to. After what happened in Sablemire, I felt crazed. We fought, and I lost myself, and I can’t allow that to happen. I’m so much stronger than her. I’m stronger than all of them.”
“What happened in Sablemire?”
I shook my head miserably. “I can’t tell you, or I’m going to be sick.”
“Well, if ever there was someone who I wouldn’t mind getting sick on me, it would be you.”
“Don’t.” I shoved at him, pushing myself away and to my feet. It was agony to separate from him. Blinking back tears, I found my discarded staff. “Let’s go again.”
“Absolutely not,” he said, still kneeling.
“But I need you to hit me.”
