“I have to go now,” she tells me. “We’re going to have breakfast when Mom gets back, and I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. I’ll text you when we get to Grandma’s.”
“You better,” I say.
My sister murmurs goodbye and hangs up. I sit for a moment, lonely and a little heartsick. Why is it so hard to be with the people you care about sometimes? Why are there so many ethical choices involved? I care about my little sister, but I can’t go to California with them. I need to start my life, figure out who I am. I just wish the choice was a little easier.
There’s a soft knock on the door of my cabin. “Come in,” I say. The door opens a crack, and Noa pops her head in. She looks a bit stressed.
“Uh…” she says. “I just met your mom. She’s waiting for you on the dock.”
I hold her gaze, my stomach twisting around the idea, and then I nod. I knew I would have to face my mom eventually, but I can’t say I’m ready for it. I turned against my father, outing him in front of everyone, and possibly sent him to jail. I can’t imagine I’m her favorite person right now. She’s always taken his side.
I stand up, and Noa comes in to wrap herself around me, giving me a hug that I sorely needed.
“If it’s any consolation,” she says, her cheek to my chest, “she was really nice to me.”
I smile, because in a weird way, it does help.
I pull back to look down at her. “After this, I think we should get some things for the boat, maybe have a little party later.”
She smiles, and if she’d do anything to make me happy right now. “Sure.”
I walk out and head upstairs. I pass Ellis, and he nods at me as I walk outside onto the deck. The sun is shining again, as if yesterday’s rainstorm never happened. It’s warm, even now. I see my mother standing with her back to me, dressed in a summer dress and sneakers, no power suit or corporate wear. Her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail.
I climb down off the boat and when I hit the dock, she spins around to look at me. Her eyes quickly scan me with concern, focusing on my arm again.
“How many this time?” she asks, coming closer.
“Eight,” I tell her. “I’m getting better at this, right?”
She laughs although she doesn’t want to. She stops in front of me, and for the first time, I see her. I see the lines around her eyes that used to be from smiling, the lines around her mouth that have deepened from frowning. She’s all at once a powerful woman and a lost girl. Somehow, I can see all that in her now.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, and she shakes her head.
“No,” she says, and my anxiety spikes. “I don’t want your apology.”
I swallow hard, lowering my eyes to the wood slats under my feet.
“I’m the one who’s sorry, Jamie,” she says, drawing my gaze again. “I should have left your father years ago. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe you; it was that I believed he could change. But… when you’re in the middle of something, it’s sometimes hard to have a clear view of what’s ahead or even behind. We… I,” she corrects, “have mistreated you. I know that now.”
Her eyes well up and so do mine. There are a lot of things I can hold against her at this point, but really… all I ever wanted was for her to love me again. For us to be a family again.
“I’m not saying you’re perfect, because you do fuck up a lot,” sheadds, and we both laugh through our tears. “But…” she continues, “I’m so sorry for not protecting you from his words, which I know hurt you so badly. I promise, I will never make that mistake again. I… I’m leaving him, Jamie. For better or for worse, but when it comes to my kids, it’s only for the better. I should have realized that a long time ago.”
I’m not sure what to say. I’m happy, definitely. I’m relieved. I’m even a little avenged, I guess. But my mother has spent the better part of her life with that man, and I know it won’t be easy to extricate herself from him. I’m scared to trust her yet. Life can be complicated that way.
“Astrid told me about California,” I say, my voice a little unsteady. My mother nods, smiling softly.
“I’m going home for a little while,” she says. “See my parents, remember who I am. I think Astrid will like it there. It’ll be nice change from these stuffy resorts.”
“I suppose,” I agree. “And, uh… when you come back?”
She holds my eyes, knowing what I’m really asking. “You are always welcome to spend time with your sister, Jamie. She loves you.”
My mother starts to fully cry, unable to fight it back. Her words come out in little sobs.
“I know how much you love her, and I’m so grateful for that. I really am. I love you, Jamie.”
And now I’m crying with her. “I love you, too, Mom. I’ve always loved you, even when I was mad at you.”
