“I love you more than all the other girls,” Anton would whisper as he hurt me.
I close my eyes, resting my palms on the edges of the cold bathroom sink.
Part of me wonders if I escaped at all. If those men can still reach me through my memories, still terrorize me, then I’m still their prisoner. I don’t know if I’ll ever be free.
“Tell me about that summer again,” Anton said, sitting behind his desk during one of our therapy sessions in my first year. He smiled warmly, pretending to be my friend, my caregiver.
I wasn’t Philomena Rhodes then. I had different memories. I was an entirely different girl with an entirely different family. But just like the memories, the family was just part of my programming.
“I fell from my friend’s tree house,” I said, resting back in the oversized chair. Anton would always ask me about my time before the academy, and now I know he was testing my programming. The fake implanted memories.
“My father came to scoop me up,” I continued, “and carried me all the way home. He was a hero.”
“Yes, he was,” Anton agreed. “His death was a profound loss for your family. And then what happened?”
“After he died,” I say, growing somber, “his friend agreed to sponsor me. He’s a hero like my father. And a great admirer of mine.”
“He loves you,” Anton corrected. But even then, even though I wasn’t awake, I knew it wasn’t true. I’d seen this sponsor at open houses. I’d seen his predatory stare. My knee began to bob impatiently.
“What if … ?” I paused, worried about upsetting Anton. He waved for me to continue. “What if I stay here longer?” I asked. “Maybe I’m not ready for graduation.”
Anton studied me then, and it was the sadness in his eyes that made me think he loved me. Would watch out for me.
“You’ve been approved for graduation,” Anton said. “And Dr. Groger is never wrong about that. Besides,” Anton added, forcing a smile, “you are so beautiful, my dear. A prize. Your sponsor is a very lucky man. And I’m sure he knows it.”
But he didn’t know it. Given the chance, that man would have done horrible things. After graduation, I chose to run from him, but I didn’t get far. I was hit by a car and returned to theacademy to be overwritten and readied for a new sponsor.
I was repurposed property.
A dam breaks and I start to sob, lowering myself to the bathroom tiles. I cry loudly, aching in my throat. My lungs. My gut.
There is just so much pain, so much that I don’t know how to process it. I want it all to go away. It’s like a thousand ants under my skin. Finding their way to my sensitive spots and devouring me. It’s unbearable.
You’re mine, he said.
I love you more than all the other girls, he whispered.
I’ll fucking kill you, he growled.
But beyond those horrible men is another voice, a softer one.
You’re real, he whispered.You are very much real.But that’s the boy I sent away. And although I know it was entirely necessary to do so, he’s the only human to ever care about me. And maybe he’s the only one that I’ve really cared about in return.
The door opens and Sydney rushes in. She immediately gets on the floor next to me, murmuring that she’s here as I curl up in a ball next to her knees.
Marcella comes in after her and sits beside me.
“We love you, Mena,” Sydney says. “We’re here.”
To the rest of the world, we’re products. But to each other, we’re the world. All that matters is protecting each other, protecting the girls who are left.
After some time, I sit up on the bathroom floor, taking the glass of water that Brynn holds out to me.
“Drink it slowly,” she says. I look up at her, shaking so badlythat some of the water slips over the edge of the glass.
“Thank you,” I try to say, but it comes out in little wisps of air. Annalise stands above me, her hands resting on her hips.
“What happened?” she demands. “Why is she having another episode?”
