CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
My father doesn’t comeinto my room. I figure he probably went to the living room to hate himself in private. I call Retha, but her grandmother says she went to see Travis. I have a second of relief at the fact that he can have visitors now. But when Retha’s gram asks if I want to leave a message, I can’t bear to say out loud that I’ve lost Evan. How can I ever tell anyone?
When it’s almost noon, I get Evan dressed to go out. Nothing seems real. Like I’m slow walking through a nightmare.
“You want to head to the mall?” I ask my brother.
His face lights up. “Yes!” Evan loves the mall, but we rarely go. It’s tough to keep an eye on him there, and we don’t have money to buy anything, so it seems a bit much for a normal day. But this is our last normal day.
“Me and you, buddy,” I say. “We’re going to have lunch and walk around.”
“And look at video games,” he adds.
“Yeah,” I say. I want to call Cameron, but I don’t. He doesn’t need to get mixed up in this now. He should be worrying about graduating, making plans for after. Meeting someone else. I close my eyes.
“Are you sad?” Evan asks, putting his palms on my cheeks.
“No,” I say, smiling. “I’m just hungry. Are you hungry?”
“French fries,” he announces, lifting his arms in the air.
“You got it.”
I have Evan wait in my bedroom while I survey the house. Kathy may be coming to get him later, but I’m spending the day with my brother. They can all go fuck themselves. My father seems to be asleep on the couch, and I find his wallet and keys near the front door and take them.
I grab Evan by his little hand, and we weave our way quietly through the house. The door is silent when I close it.
“Where’s Daddy?” Evan asks as I help him into the truck.
“He’s sleeping.”
“Lazy bones,” Evan says, and giggles.
“Yep,” I say, fixing his jacket. “Not like us, huh?”
“Nope.”
And he’s so happy. Not at all like the kid last night, crying and kicking. This is my Evan. And I don’t want them to take him. He belongs with me.
Our dad’s wallet has close to a hundred dollars in it—Xbox money. Piece of shit. I’m going to spend every cent on my brother. Every last penny.
The mall is in the middle of a renovation, but it works for us because the place is practically deserted.
The first thing I do is get Evan large fries and a strawberry milk shake. His feet swing under the food court chair as he eats. I watch him, trying to memorize every movement. Keeping the grief buried so he won’t have to see me sad.
Next we go to the pet shop, to look at the puppies and pet the rabbits. Evan squeals every time a bunny moves. It’s adorable, and I actually debate buying him one. But if Kathy didn’t let him keep it, it would be another reason for him to be hurt. So we settle on just watching the animals in their cages.
I buy him a truck and a stuffed animal. I buy him candy. I buy whatever he asks for, but I still want to die. I just want to die whenever I look at the clock, knowing that Kathy is waiting. My father will notice that his wallet and keys are gone. He and Kathy might call the police. Or they might just wait for me.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” Evan says, holding himself.
“Don’t do that,” I say, pulling his hand away from the front of his pants. “I’ll take you right now.”
We walk quickly, finding the hallway in the construction that twists toward the bathrooms. Plastic wrap covers some of the walls, and the smell of paint is thick in the air.
There is a low whistle from behind me. When I hear it again, a pit opens in my stomach. I touch my hand to the back of Evan’s head, hoping that around the corner there will be a construction worker or someone leaving the bathrooms.
I walk quickly, but when I round the corner, no one is there. Not one damn person. We’re alone.
