***
Evan sleeps in my room with me. He doesn’t wake up when I cry, wishing things were different. Wishing he were different, and then hating myself for the thought.
When I get up in the morning, Evan is curled up under the covers. I kiss his forehead. I close the bedroom door behind me and make my way into the kitchen.
My stomach turns.
“Where were you last night?” my father asks as he sits at the table. His clothes are ragged, and he’s obviously nursing a hangover. His eyes bore into me and I look away—feeling shamed.
“Evan and I went to my friend’s house for dinner.” I walk over to the counter and grab the coffeepot to fill it with water.
“How nice for you,” he says. “Don’t you think you should have called?”
No. “You weren’t here. We were home early.”
I hear the scrape as he pushes his plate away. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you anymore,” he says. “What are you doing?”
I clench my jaw and fill the coffeepot with water. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Really? And putting a pencil through someone’s hand is normal?”
“He was talking about Evan.”
“I don’t care, Savannah.” He gets up and crosses the room, stopping at the sink and smelling like last night’s booze. He watches while I put the grounds in the coffeemaker.
“He called him a retard,” I whisper, wanting him to understand.
“And?” my father asks.
I turn to him, my face on fire.
He exhales. “You’re not his mother.” His voice softens a little. “You’ll never be his mother. You can’t protect him for the rest of his life.”
“I sure as hell can try.”
And my father looks at me. His eyes aren’t angry; they’re sad. “Savannah, I talked to Kathy,” he says.
Oh God, no. I almost drop the can of coffee. My lip quivers as I look at him. “You didn’t,” I say.
He nods, his eyes welling up. I set the can on the counter, gasping for breath.
“What did you do?” I ask him, backing away. “What did you do, Dad?”
“She can give him a better life,” he tries to explain. “She can be a mom to him.”
“Youasshole!” I yell, my voice cracking. “What did you do?”
“She’s coming later today. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else—”
But I run from him. My father has signed over custody of my brother. Of his own son. Kathy is taking Evan away from me.
I burst into my room and dive into the bed, gathering Evan up and holding him to me.
“Savannah,” he whines. “I’m sleeping.”
But I rock him and bite on my lip to keep my cries silent. My father has just lost everything. He’s given away the only reason I have. I take care of Evan. I’m his life. He is mine. What has he done?
I kiss Evan’s head and pray that we both wake up from this nightmare.
