“I’m going to my grandmother’s out in Cleveland to wait for him. The lawyer told me he should be able to have visitors in a few weeks. And I have to be there for him—Travis needs me.”
I drop my father’s keys and walk over to the wall and lean against it, slowly sliding down until I’m resting on the faded carpet. There are no words that can make this better. The drugs have beaten Travis again. He won’t graduate this year. Neither will Retha. And when Travis comes back, we’ll wait to see if he’ll relapse again. All we can do is wait. The drugs ruin all of us.
“I can’t come with you,” I say miserably. “I can’t leave Evan.”
“I know,” she says. “And Travis will understand. I’ll help him. I’ll get him better and bring him home. I promise.”
The word makes me cry. Travis promised too. Fear, dread, and loneliness all assault me at once, and I cover my face with my hand.
“When are you leaving?” I ask, sounding as controlled as I can manage.
“My uncle’s on his way to pick me up,” she says.
“What am I going to do without you guys?” I ask. Travis and Retha are all I have, other than Evan. I don’t know how to lose them.
“You’ll be okay,” Retha says. “You’re one tough bitch, Savvy.” She laughs. “You put a fucking pencil through a football player’s hand and punched out a girl in the cornfield. I don’t need to worry about you.”
I chuckle through my tears, knowing that I’m not nearly as tough as anyone thinks. Knowing that without Retha and Travis, I feel alone and vulnerable. “I’ll miss you,” I say. “I already miss you.”
“Stop,” she says, trying to sound light. “Three months. I’ll be back in three months.”
But three months is a long time. And I can’t even let myself consider that it might be longer. “Evan will be sad,” I say, looking toward my brother’s closed bedroom door. How am I going to explain this to him? He adores Retha.
“Tell him I said that when I get back, I’m going to beat his little ass if he doesn’t behave himself.”
“Retha,” I say.
“What?”
“Hurry up, okay?”
“I will.”
“And tell Travis I love him and to hurry up, too.”
“Definitely.”
We wait a moment longer, and then Retha says good-bye and hangs up. I stay on the floor, still shaking.
I knew. I hate myself because I knew something was wrong with Travis, and I didn’t stop this. Because he promised. He fucking promised me. And I was too worried about privacy to press for an honest answer. I might as well have put that needle in myself.
I begin to cry again, letting the knowledge slip over me. I. Am. Alone.
There’s a noise behind my father’s door, and I have to pull myself together before he gets up. I swipe under my eyes and slowly stand, hand on the wall.
Travis’s life is hard. He has a dad who beats him and his mother is dead. It isn’t fair, the way some of us have gotten so screwed by life. It isn’t fair that someone as beautiful as Travis is haunted by addiction. That people always expect the worst of Retha, even though she’s the best friend I could ever have.
At least I have Evan. No matter how shitty I think my life is, I have my brother. I’ll always have him. And although he’s the hardest part of my life, he’s also the best. Because when Evan’s happy, I’m happy. If only I can figure out how to keep him that way forever. How can I possibly make him happy in the awful place where we live?
I stumble to my room and close my door. I lean against it, completely overwhelmed, and notice my bathing suit lying across my dresser.
Cameron’s pool party.
Retha wanted to go so badly; she even convinced me to go. It would have been the highlight of her week, checking out the hot rich boys, showing off in her bikini and making them drool.
But now, looking around at my shabby life, I know I’ve been delusional. This is what I have. All I have. And going to a stupid party isn’t going to change that.
I choke back a cry and stomp over to swipe everything off my dresser, sending my bathing suit and a frame Evan made me to the floor. And then I collapse on my bed and cry.
