I fight the urge to hide my face in my hands, opting to sit on them instead as I grit out, “Gee, Lis. Thanks.”
My sister rolls her eyes, and it’s like I’m looking into a slightly older mirror. “To live your life to the fullest and truly be happy, you have to learn to be selfish. In the end, you don’t get points for keeping everyone but yourself happy; you will die just like everyone else, and that’ll be that. So screw Levi—hell, screw me. If we weren’t here but back home or in another state or whatever, would you still be reluctant and vaguely standoffish? Or would you proudly wear his number and make out in the hallways between classes?”
My sister has a point. I might have been working hard to leave Hudson in the past, but in doing so I have neglected to scold the part of me that cares too much what other people think of me, allowing her voice to grow. I will never be able to be fully present with Blake if I care about what others might think, what they might say. And that’s not fair. Not to me, but certainly not to Blake, who has quite literally turned his life upside down to accommodate me.
“Probably not the making out part. We tend to get carried away, not very PG.” I grin at the disgusted look on her face. Like she hasn’t told me worse. “But I do see your point. Blake and I deserve to have a real shot at making this work, without me sabotaging it to please everyone else. It is time for selfish Alexisto emerge and claim her happiness as selfish Alissa has done before her.”
“Really, bitch? Selfish Alissa?” She throws a pillow straight at my head but I manage to duck just in time.No regrets.“You’re right, though. Selfish Alissa is here to stay. And she has company coming, so I’m kicking you out for the night. Thanks for the girl talk.”
She jumps up from the couch and makes her way back to her room, her bright pink fur-lined slippers clacking against the floorboards.
“I hate you.”
She throws up a heart sign above her head before slamming the door shut. “Go to him.”
Chapter 25
Blake
Sunshine
Can I crash at your place tonight?
Alissa kicked me out so she could bone in peace
Me
How considerate of her
And yes. I must warn you, though.
Cuddles are required.
What a tragedy…
We do what we must.
See you at home *Kissy face emoji*
I respectthe hell out of Coach Tucker, but this might be the dumbest thing he has ever done.
We have no official games until after winter break, so when he got a call and took off a week early for personal reasons, he left us in charge of the junior team’s training.
I was looking forward to this, eager to teach them all I know to help them get to the next level, but it’s clear that me and Raf are the only ones willing to do this. Even Levi, usually a stickler for rules and professionalism, is goofing around more than he’s actually playing. Either way, I don’t feel bad about taking a break from it all.
Falling onto the bench in the sin bin, I tear off my helmet and slick back my hair with the sweat off my forehead. The ice is crowded with rowdy players, each one less motivated than the one before. But among them, one voice shouts louder than all, and he weaves through the crowd until both teams are on opposite sides. Raf is done trying to teach, it seems, and is settling for a friendly game instead.Smart.
It’ll get their energy out, and in the process of playing against us they might pick up a trick or two. More importantly, it will reduce the risk of injuries by getting too many pucks to the head from playing helmet darts.
It’s kind of inspiring to see Raf like this. Locked into the game, surveying the field for weak links, taking players aside to give notes so they won’t feel ridiculed. I shouldn’t be surprised, of course. Rafael is like a slightly younger version of Levi, all laser-focused with an unhealthy work ethic. To them, hockey is like breathing; it’s the one thing they need to feel alive.
I used to feel like that, when my mind was on the NHL and I had nothing else to care about. But that was before I saw the game for what it really was to me: a tool to win my mother’s attention, a desperate plea for her love.
I poured everything I had into the sport, foregoing friends and crushes and everything else kids are supposed to have, just to catch a glimpse of what a real mother would do. But shewasn’t there. Never was. Only at important games did she show up, and when I scored a winning goal I might see her crack a smile before she left again. It’s so fucking sad to look back on. What a shitty way to raise your kid.
Being so young, I didn’t fully realize the depths of her neglect. I loved her so much that I did everything she wanted without question, no matter how much I hated it. The only rebellion I ever showed was bringing Lucky home senior year, which is probably why she hates him. She didn’t want me to love anyone but her.
Sucks to be her. She will never know what she’s missing out on. With Lucky, with Alexis. With me.
