“You and she?”
“No. Never. I’ve never fucked a woman.” I stared at him, then asked, “Have you?”
“No. I may have to live in the closet, but I refuse to deny who I am. I’m queer. I’ll hide it, but I won’t deny it. I refuse.”
“Same. They can make me walk in the shadows, but I will not erase myself.”
“I hate the song because it reminds me that we can’t be that free,” he said.
I nodded. “I guess I robbed us of that for the foreseeable future, huh?”
“We’ll fix that when we get back stateside.”
“We could fix it now,” I suggested.
“I gotta get going,” he replied, glancing at his watch with a sigh.
One second, he lay next to me. Next, he stood beside the bed, having executed some pretzel-like twist and roll, reminiscentof an Olympic gymnast. I sat up on the edge of the bed and watched him get dressed.
I turned the music up a bit louder then said, “I think that’s the first time we’ve done this that we didn’t end up needing a shower.”
He groaned. “God, how I miss feeling clean.”
“Agreed. I don’t even have to go home. A hotel room with an inexhaustible water heater and you. That’s all I need.”
His face twitched, and I swallowed the sigh. I used a ‘no-no word’ as Fiona’s oldest said once when I cursed in front of her. I refused to take it back, though. I needed him, and I wanted him to understand that needing someone didn’t make them weak. It strengthened you in unimaginable ways.
“That’s what I want too, Daddio. And some decent food. I wouldn’t turn my nose up at a cheeseburger or a steak.”
Hope flared to life as I laughed. Maybe, just maybe, he was getting it. “At least we’ve been upgraded from MREs.”
“Speak for yourself. I’ll be eating a bunch of MREs during this op you got us slated for.”
I shot to my feet. The anger and fear from earlier swirled together into a buzz of panic that took up residence in my chest and head. My hands gripped his biceps. “This op, be careful. Your commander is an asshat. You guys need to know…”
“A lot of the ops you send us out on are suicide missions.”
“Not like this. This op could wipe out the whole squadron. Be careful.”
“Are you worried about me, Daddio?”
“Always. I’m always worried about you. I love you, Xander. And I know that words like need and love scare the shit out of you, but I have to say them.”
His face, his gorgeous face, that no longer looked as young as it did when we boarded the transport plane just a few short months ago, that felt like a decade most days, turned inquisitive.“Scare no. Not really. They give me pause—one more than the other. I told you in the beginning that need was not something I would allow to dominate my life. It has the power to destroy both people in a relationship.”
“Are you at least willing to admit that’s what this is?”
A scoff, a tiny smile, and a head nod was the answer I got. “Yeah. Albeit an on-and-off one. You’re growing on me, Daddio. You’re all I think about when this war gives me a fucking minute to do so. And I’ll admit that loving you is a very real possibility.”
“I’ll take it,” I said in a rush, kissing him.
We lost ourselves in each other until a rap of knuckles. Xander snatched up my briefs, and I yanked them on as I moved to the door, cracking it just enough to see who stood on the other side.
“Parker.”
“Hey. Sorry to interrupt your nap. Just wanted to go over some things before we go wheels up in three hours.”
“Fuck,” Xander groaned softly, so much so that I barely heard him, so I knew no one else did.
