She nodded, wiping away her own tears.
Of course, he’d already jumped to several conclusions, formed his opinion, and cut her out of the conversation entirely. It was what he had done that very first night they’d met, deciding he knew exactly who she was and how she thought before they’d even finished their first proper conversation. He’d done it all along, from the very start.
Making up his mind, choosing for her, leaving her with nothing but the aftermath of his decisions.
“Do you have any idea how unfair you’re being? Do you think it was easy just moving on after you disappeared? Like it was a chore on a checklist? Is that what you think, Tate?”
She didn’t expect an answer. A good thing, as he remained silent, staring unblinkingly at the ceiling.
“Do you have any idea how unfair you have been from the start? You made all these decisions and plans that affectmylife, but you didn’t includemein making any of them. And not just me, but everyone. Do you have any idea how unfair you’ve been to everyone who’s loved you?”
“I never meant to hurt you, Silva—”
“I know that!” she cut him off, her voice coming out as a yelp. Her tears were falling steadily now, and there was no sense in even trying to wipe them away. Her hands were too busy shaking in anger anyhow. “Iknowyou didn’t intend to hurt anyone. But that’s what you hide behind, Tate. It doesn’t hurtlessto be pushed away.”
Tate remained contritely silent. The pause that sat between them was unlike any Silva could remember. She had spent every waking moment in his presence trying to climb into him, wanting to get as close as she possibly could, every pause spent twisting in agony.And the harder you tried to get close, the more he pushed you away. She watched the tears track down the side of his face, moving with the steadiness of a river,following the slope of his cheekbone. When his jaw moved at last, his voice was a scrape.
“You shouldn’t be here. The world kept moving, just as it was meant to. You have a whole life that doesn’t include me in it anymore, Silva. And I’m glad. Iamhappy for you. I hope you got everything you wanted, dove. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one to give it to you. I don’t want to disrupt your life any more than I’ve already done. You should go home to your family.”
“You don’t get to sit there and give me your blessing!” Her voice hitched with tears, a ring of hysteria making it reverberate against the tin tiles of the high ceiling. “You’re not some benevolent ghost of my past, Tate. You haveno ideawhat you’re even talking about, but that doesn’t matter to you. You’d rather cling to what youthinkis best than actually listen to me.”
She broke off, sobbing as the tears overwhelmed her. Two years she’d searched for him. It was a tragic oversight that she’d never considered what this reunion might look like or how it would go.
“How is it that you were always so good atseeingme, Tate, but so bad at listening?”
She could almost see him distancing himself from her, mentally packing himself away from her again. She had a family that needed her, and he would hold himself outside that.
He had told her that, too, that very first weekend. He expected her to leave and go on and do all of the things she was meant to do, according to that carefully designed roadmap . . . and that he would be here when she needed an escape from her real life, a shadow on the side. Not ever expecting or assuming he’d be a part of it.Too late for that.
He wasso surehe was right, so certain he was being noble. Silva had no doubt that if she left right now and returned to the apartment in fifteen minutes, he would be gone and she’d never see him again.You could probably follow his bloody footprints.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Silva.”
She jumped to her feet as if his words were an electric shock. “Oh, you don’t know what to say?Nowyou don’t know what to say?”
She pulled the stack of folded letters from her bag, brandishing each, dropping them one at a time on him, letting them float down until they covered him like a blanket.
“You couldn’t tell me any of this with your mouth when you had the chance, right? Becauseyou didn’t know what to say. You let me twist every single day, not knowing where I stood because you didn’t know what to say. Why? Why can’t you still justtellme? Why can’t you ever be honest about the way you feel? Do you think reading all this after you were gone made it easier? When the whole time we were together,thiswas all I wanted? Why can’t you just let me in?That’sall I ever wanted, Tate. For you to let me in. And youstillwon’t. You thought about it. But you just couldn’tsayit.”
He was pushing himself up, and she could see it took him considerable effort to do so. She had no idea how he’d been let out of the hospital in such a sorry state. No wonder the apartment was a wreck, by his standards.
Silva snatched up the letters he’d written her. They were some of her most prized possessions, regardless of how angry she was, and she wasn’t about to leave them behind or let him rip them to shreds, if that was his intent.
“Silva, I love you more than anything in this world.” His voice had more strength behind it than he’d exhibited since she’d entered the room. “You’re the only thing on either side of the veil that matters. Five years, you said?” Hers wasn’t the only voice tinged in mania. “It was days for me, dove. I was keeping track.Days. What would you like me to do? Come to your house and explain to your husband that I’m sure he’s had a good run for the last five years, but now some cunt he’s never laid eyes on isback, so the life you’ve built needs to come crashing down?” He choked out a mad laugh at the thought.
Silva sank back into the chair before she fell, legs shaking. Days for him. Years for her.Not all that is lost must be followed.
“I love you, Silva,” he went on emphatically. “Don’t be confused about that. My only aim when I was there was to keep you safe. Keep you safe and make sure they’d never be able to find their way to you ever again. You’re still my heartbeat and you always will be. But the world kept moving, and I’m too late. I don’t have the right to come back and ruin your life twice.”
The silence when he was finished was overloud. Silva dropped her head back and tried to breathe through the congestion of her tears. The Pixie’s ventilation system hummed, and beyond the window, she could hear the sound of a delivery truck beeping as it backed up to a business. She was exhausted.And he’s the one who looks like he fell off a cliff.
“What happened to you?” The question popped out, and when her eyes opened, she saw Tate had done the same as her — dropped back against his pillows, head tipped, eyes closed. “How did they even let you out of the hospital like this?”
His eyes opened, a clear look of annoyance on his face. It was the most Tate-like he’d looked since her arrival, and she couldn’t help the way her lips tugged to see it.
“I’m not even fucking hurtthatbadly. I’ve cracked my skull before. I can have Rukh hit my nose with a hammer and knock it back into place.”
“You were like a water fountain of blood. Don’t tell me you’re fine.”
