Silva had the sudden realization that his world was actually very small, and he had already shown her every corner of it. The people who were important to him, his daily routine and those who populated it. His business and his home and all of the minutia in between, and she hadn't even told her friends or family his name. Her eyes filled with tears once more, pooling and soaking into the cool, cotton pillowcase beneath her face. She hadn't even let on that she was seeing anyone in the first place.
He sighed heavily, his thumb swiping over her tears. "I'm not worth your tears, dove. Put these away, and save them for something worth crying over."
"Youare," she insisted, batting away the hand he raised to her face again like an annoyed kitten. "I was worried," she admitted, hesitating for a moment, feeling her ears heat as she sniffled. "I was worried about what you would call me tonight. I was worried sick over it. Isn't that so silly?"
"What do you mean 'what I would call you?'"
"I was worried you were going to call me ‘your friend Silva.’"
He huffed, a soft chuff of unvoiced laughter, his thumb smoothing over the apple of her cheek, dragging the moisture of her tears along with it.
"Is that what we are, Silva? Good friends? Is that what you want?"
Her eyes overflowed again, frustrated with herself, how much time she’d let slip by as they sat stagnant over the last months, a situation of her own making.
"No, that's not what I want us to be at all. I want to be exactly what you said tonight.Yours. We’rebarelyfriends! I love spending time with you, I love being with you, I love—" She cut herself off, swallowing down the sentiment with a shudder. "You hold me away. You never let me get too close. I don’t even know what I am to you." The breath he blew out had enough strength to ruffle her hair as he pressed his forehead to hers saying nothing for a long moment.
"Well, you’ve never asked, dove, have you? You can call me whatever you’d like. Or don’t call me anything at all, it’s of no consequence to me. You're the only one with anything to lose here. I told you once before you'll always have a place to come. If that's the place to run away from your family for a few hours, or your husband, or your children, it doesn't make a difference. I'll be there waiting for you. It doesn't matter what you call me, little dove. You have your whole life in your hand, and you're worried if I'm going to call my girlfriend? Do you think a girlfriend is all that you are, Silva?"
Her tears were soaking through to the pillow, and she knew her face was probably splotched purple, but at that moment, it didn't matter. He had her heart in a vice, each word twisting it a bit tighter.
"You're my heartbeat, Silva. You're the pulse in my chest and the blood in my veins. You want to rip me open, dove? Take a bite out of my heart? It already belongs to you, so you can do as you wish, and it doesn't matter what you call me. You’re the only reason for breathin', and if you come to your senses and kiss me goodbye in the morning and then put me out of your mind, it won't change a thing. It won't change what you are. You'll always be mine, Silva. That doesn't mean you should want me as yours."
"Well, Ido," she insisted stubbornly, not bothering to wipe away the tears that ran down her cheeks. "Everyone wants to tell me what I should do, who I should be, who I should marry. What about what I want? What's the point of having everything if I'm never going to be allowed to be happy? Why can't I get everything I want?"
He smiled at her obnoxious words and she pushed on his chest,refusingto be placated and pushed aside.
"I would give you the entire world, if I could, Silva. I'd pull the stars from the heavens to lay them at your feet. But I can't give you any of the things youwant, dove. I can't give you anything beyond this moment, I can't promise you a tomorrow. I won't make promises to you that I'm not able to keep, so please don't ask me to."
"You don't have to promise me tomorrow," she insisted, using the edge of her comforter to wipe away her tears before pressing her face to the center of his chest. His heart thumped beneath her cheek.His heartbeat. He called you his heartbeat. Nothing else matters."I can promiseyoutomorrow." She pushed away his insistence that he couldn't give her all of the things she wanted, knowing he was wrong. "I want to bring you to breakfast tomorrow at the coffee shop in town," she mumbled against his skin. "It's where everyone goes, and it's really good, I think you’ll like it." The Black Sheep Beanery was the busiest business in town, the whole of Cambric Creek showing up at least once a day for their caffeine and other assorted beverage fixes. He would see the other couples there, couples just like them, and then maybe he would understand. "Promise me you're not going to leave in the middle of the night. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and you’re just gone."
She was able to feel time slowly grinding to a halt; the ticking of the watch on the dresser no longer audible, the world outside of her window falling away as she craned up to look at him when he remained silent. The only thing that existed was his soot-black lashes, fanning over his cheek as his eyes fluttered shut and he sucked in a shuddering breath. The wind had ceased blowing against the pane, and there were no sounds beyond her window, as if the whole world held its breath, waiting for him to answer. She imagined the moon, high above her little apartment, icy white and cold, shivering as she held her breath as well. Time had stopped, and she felt eternity rushing over her like the pull of the tide. His thick eyelashes were able to stop the tears that overflowed when his eyes closed, catching all but one, and she watched it track like a droplet of crystal across his flawless, pale green skin, before his face tipped towards hers, catching her lips. She felt the pull of his teeth and the drag of his tongue, the way he tugged on her lower lip seeming to jolt her into reacting, pushing up to join him in the kiss, attempting to channel every ounce of love and desperation she felt into her lips against his. When his eyes opened, his lips pressed her forehead once more, his arm holding her tightly against him.
"I promise, Silva," he murmured, stroking again at her hair. "I won't leave you without saying goodbye."
Spring
