"Honey, I'm home," she called out as she entered, hearing the sound of Junie and Ordo's paws across the tiles before they rounded the corner. He was stretched out on the sofa, a takeout container from the noodle place on Main Street on the coffee table before him, looking so relaxed and at home in her space, as if he had always been there, that it almost took her breath away.
They'd already agreed that when the time came, he would move in with her, instead of her moving into his apartment. He had been looking for a house, after all, and hers was already designed for a species his size. They would upgrade into a bigger place when something in Cambric Creek became available. It was a relief to her, for even though he had never done or said anything to make her feel as if she were merely a guest in his space, she couldn't get comfortable in his apartment. She sat at the edge of the furniture and attempted to take up as little space as possible, remnants of disordered thinking from childhood that she still couldn't quite shake off. She tiptoed around the rooms, keeping her belongings tight and close together, easily removable, as if her existence in his life could be packed up in a single bag. Khash had no such insecurities in her own space. Several weeks of his work suits hung in her closet, he had half the drawers in her dresser and more hair products than she had ever owned spread across her bathroom. It was just one of a hundred tiny differences between them, and though he did not always understand her feelings, she was glad for the differences. A partner as neurotic as she was would surely have driven her to drink.
"Mmmm, I didn't think I would see you tonight," she murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck from behind the sofa, pressing her lips to his temple.
"I hadn't intended on it originally, but I don't have any meetings in the morning, no need to rush into the office. And I figured you'd want to talk."
"What makes you think that?" She laughed sardonically, walking around the sofa.
"Well, you know darlin', a nice easy get-together. Good food, nice visit. Nothing to stress out over, just a little ole' gathering . . . But I know my girl better than that."
She laughed again as she dropped into his lap, arms going around his neck, feeling infinitely more secure than she had just a short time ago.The whole clan. It’ll be great.
"Can you just wake me when it’s over?"
"Bluebell—"
"I hate big parties, Ihatebeing the center of attention. Can’t we just have a video call with everyone from your sister’s house?" His pursed lips told her exactly what he thought of that idea. "Can you at least explain to me what the ‘whole clan’ entails? Your immediate family is already like 63 orcs! It is going to be like a receiving line, where I just get to stand there while 200 strangers are paraded in front of me? Or am I going to be expected to socialize with every single one of them and learn their names? Because I don't think I'm going to manage that in one weekend trip."
"Darlin', are you done exaggerating?"
"How am I exaggerating?! You have six brothers and sisters, and more than half of them are married with kids of their own. Your oldest sister is already a grandmother! By the time we go back to visit in the spring, there will be 10 more names to memorize!"
"You are being absolutely ridiculous."
She tucked her head against his chest and tried to allow the deep sump of his heartbeat to calm her fraying nerves. He was always so warm, so steady. She wished she had a tenth of his composure, but somehow she would need to manage to get through this with her own shaky foundations. Her therapist had tried talking through the root of why she was so tied up in knots over the upcoming visit, but in Lurielle's opinion, the conversation had only made things worse.
"What if they don't like me?" she'd asked simply. "What if he realizes we just have too many differences and this is the beginning of the end?" The sphinx had tried to get her to examine the roots of why she didn't believe she deserved happiness, but she'd been less than willing to dig into the depths of her psyche. Having a better understanding of herself wasn’t going to help in this situation, wasn't going to help her get through the upcoming weekend.
"Relationships end sometimes, Lurielle. That doesn't mean you won't be happy again, and it doesn't have any bearing on your self-worth. All we bring to the table is ourselves, and that means our jealousies and our insecurities, our ability to forgive, and our willingness to work with a partner. There are plenty of people who aren't able to do some of those things. Some of us are only able to do a few of them. Sometimes the jealousies and insecurities overtake everything else. Relationships are a lot of hard work, you already know that. Now, from everything you've told me, your relationship is nowhere near ending. It's only just getting started! So you need to ask yourselfwhyyou're so concerned over whether or not his family is going to like you, and why you're so certain they won't."
Normally talking through things with the Sphinx helped. But not in this case. She wasn't going to fit in with Khash's family because she didn't fit inanywhere. If the girlfriends and wives at his weekly matches were an indication of her place in Orcish society, the visit was going to be just as grim as she was anticipating.
"Your food is in the refrigerator," he added, nudging her forehead with his nose. "I had a feeling you’d need something to sop up all those fruity little cocktails. Go, heat something up."
He continued to talk as she pushed off his lap, crossing to the kitchen."Ordo already has a crate for the plane, we'll stop and pick up Junie one this week. You think she'll be happy under your seat, or should we put them together?"
"I already told you, I don't want to take Junie. I already talked to Ghessa across the street, she said she's happy to watch her again. And Violet said she'd love to walk her."
"Darlin', it's no trouble taking them. Ordo is used to the flight. They pull the seats right out and lock them in next to us. Idothink we need to pick her up a new harness though, I don't know why the two of them got it in their heads that it was a chew toy the other afternoon. She'll be fine."
"Ireallydon't want to take her."
"You just let me know if you're going to want to upgrade to a second bag since she'll count as your first. I always under pack when I go home, but I don't expect you to —"
"I don't want to take her!" Her voice had risen once again, rising in volume and pitch as it had at the pub until it echoed shrilly off the light fixture above her head. "You're not listening to me, Khash." She hadn't realized that tears had filled her eyes until she tasted them at the corner of her mouth, realizing that they had already overflowed, spilling down her full cheeks. Khash crossed the room into great strides, his brow furrowed heavily in concern, his huge hands gripping her shoulders as if she were no bigger than a doll before him. "I've already told you I don't want to take her. She's a bad girl! I don't want your family thinking that's how I'm going to raise kids." The Yorkie in question skulked at the corner of the kitchen, Ordo cowering beside her. Raised voices were not a common occurrence in her house and it was clear neither dog knew how to react.
"Lurielle . . ."
"You're notlisteningto me, Khash. You’re hearing me, but you're notlisteningto me. I told you I didn't want to talk to my mom, and you wouldn't let it go until I called her. I told you I didn't want your family to make a fuss, and now they've already planned a huge party. I don't want to take Junie. She can stay with the neighbors. If you're not going to hear me on that, you and Ordo can enjoy your visit with your family alone."
The frustration that had been building within her over the last few months seemed to bubble to the surface, as if her emotions were a soda can that had been repeatedly shaken, opened over something as trivial as bringing the dog. She didn't protest when he scooped her up easily, carrying her back across the room to the sofa, cradling her against his chest, murmuring apologies into her hair. For the longest time, she could do nothing but cry. Unable to articulate why she felt so frustrated and furious at her tearful response, the anger only made her cry harder. Lurielle was certain Silva probably cried dainty little tears, her eyes welling up like a cartoon kitten, flowing in attractive rivers down her flawless skin. By contrast, she was an ugly crier. Her ivory skin would blotch red, her eyes puffing up, and her nose pinkening. Her hitching sobs weren't at all attractive, were certainly not dignified, but it was all she could manage at the moment.
After all, Dynah wasn't the first person to bear the brunt of her mood. Her raised voice at the gym the night before still echoed in her head, the mortification she felt over her outburst warring with the fact that she’dmeantwhat she said, anger with herself and for everyone else, a resentment that felt at complete odds with the contentment she felt.
"It must be nice not having to worry about arm flab anymore," her gym friend had sighed, waggling her arm like chicken in the mirrored wall before them.
Lurielle had frowned, raising her own not-at-all jiggle-free arm, mirroring the movement. "What are you talking about? I could fly around the neighborhood with these wings."
