“You can word it however you like, but yeah, that’s the gist of it.” She shrugs. “Come on, Harriet. You did all these amazing things in New York and totally faced your fears, but now you’re letting your fear win.”
I chew on a nail. She’s right about that, and not just now. I let my fear win at the wedding, when I ran away from Luke. And I never once actually told him howIfelt, how he mademefeel so alive, too. But…
“What about the fact that I lied to him?”
Her face softens. “I know you think you have to be some outlandish version of yourself for him to like you, but you don’t. You’re better than that, because you don’t have to pretend to be fearless. You can be yourownkind of brave, even when things are scary.”
I glance down at the ticket again and my stomach seesaws with nerves. Can I be that brave?
“Go to New York and tell Luke how you feel,” Steph says again, more gently. “Tell him the truth about Harriet 2.0. He’s seen the real you anyway. He won’t care.”
I look up at Steph again, swallowing. She’s right about that, too. Hedidsee the real me, the one that no one else has ever seen. I just have to tell him the truth and hope that he’ll still want me.
I just have to be that brave.
40
It’s nearly midnight when my plane touches down in New York. I had a layover in Houston like last time, but I was so amped up I couldn’t sit still. I paced around the airport terminal for four straight hours, walking from gate to gate, just to keep moving. Every time I sat still my gut would rage with anxiety and I’d feel nauseous.
It took the edge off quite nicely, though, because I dozed off on the flight from Houston to JFK. I guess the fact that I haven’t slept since Steph gave me the ticket also helped.
Now, sitting in the back of a cab as we bump along through Queens, I’m strangely excited. The familiar breath-taking skyline of Manhattan comes into view, twinkling like a glittery postcard in the distance, and my heart does a little dance. I’m back in New York, just like that, and it feels okay. More than okay—it feels like where I’m supposed to be. It feels good.
The cab pulls up at the hotel and I tip the driver like a local. By the time I’m in my hotel room, I’m tired. I know I could have stayed at Alex and Michael’s, but I didn’t tell them I was flying over here. Truthfully, I’m not sure how this will work out, and I don’t need the extra pressure from Alex texting me every five minutes to ask.
Anyway. I’m here now. I fire off a quick text to Steph to tell her I landed safely, then I crawl into bed and stare at the ceiling. And, after running through a thousand different scenarios for how things could go with Luke tomorrow, somehow, I fall asleep.
* * *
I wake earlythe next morning. I kill some time by making coffee and trying to read, but I don’t take anything in. I’m too anxious to go and see Luke.
By 7 a.m. I decide I’ve waited long enough. I dress in one of my prettiest dresses, do my hair and makeup, and pull on my jacket as I head outside into the fading darkness of early morning to find a cab. Even though it’s only a short drive, I can feel myself getting more and more wound up the closer we get to Luke’s. Maybe I should have had a shower session with John Stamos before I left.
I chuckle quietly at the thought, but I’m not fooling myself. I’m freaking out right now. What have I gotten myself into? Why on earth did I agree to this?
I wipe my sweaty palms, keeping my breathing steady. No, I know why I’m here. I know what I came to do. I’m here to be brave. I’m here to fight for the man I love.
I nod to myself, hardening my resolve. Adrenaline courses through me, and as I pull out my compact to check my makeup, my stomach is full of thrashing butterflies.
Then, just like that, we’re in front of Luke’s apartment building. I sit in the cab for a moment, gazing at the entrance.
Shit. I don’t know if I can do this.
Come on Harriet! You’ve come all this way, Steph mentally cheers me on.
I pay the driver and step out, pulling my bag onto my shoulder. I key in Luke’s code and climb the stairs with shaking legs, barely registering what I’m doing. My heartbeat is like hailstones on a tin roof as I step onto Luke’s floor, but I don’t let that deter me. I knock on his door, then suck in a breath and wait.
Nothing happens.
What if he’s not home? I’d never considered that. Uncertainty tugs at me, but I push it away. I’m just looking for excuses.
Besides, it’s still early. He’s probably asleep.
I raise my hand and knock again, louder this time. A corkscrew twists through my gut while I wait, until finally, I hear footsteps approaching. My heart vaults into my throat as the door opens, and my eyes fasten on a redhead in an oversized T-shirt.
She rubs her eyes. “Um, hi?”
I lose track of time and space at this point. I think my jaw unhinges. I think I stop breathing.
