Geoff and I drove in silence for at least an hour, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to get the words out. “It was Luke,” I murmured in the dark.
I thought Geoff hadn’t heard me, because he didn’t say anything for the longest time. But then he sighed, and said, “I know.”
“How?”
He shrugged again, glancing at me with a soft smile. “I don’t know. I just had a feeling.”
I waited for him to say more—that he’d told me so, that I was delusional because Luke wasn’t divorced at all, and poor Alex, how selfish of me. But he said nothing like that. He did nothing that made me feel like he was judging me.
He took me straight to the airport, and even though I had three missed calls from Alex by then, I still just wanted to get on a plane and go home. After faffing about sorting out my ticket, I’m finally in the air. You’d think I’d be relieved, but instead I just feel… numb. The past two and a half weeks are a surreal blur in my mind, almost as if I dreamed them. And if it wasn’t for the red hair tumbling over my shoulders, I might even think I did.
I give the flight attendant a thin smile as she hands me a glass of water. I was tempted to ask for whiskey but couldn’t bring myself to say the words.
But the longer I sit here, processing the past couple of weeks, the more I do know one thing: I’m an idiot. Of course what Luke and I had couldn’t last. I live on the other side of the planet, our siblings are married, he’s barely divorced… not to mention the fact that I lied to him. There are so many reasons it could never work, no matter how much I wanted it to. He made that clear from the start, by refusing to tell anyone about us.Talk about not taking the hint, Harriet.
I laugh bitterly and the man to my right gives me a sideways look.
Great. Now I’m turning into a nutter who laughs to herself in public. Ah, I’m too depressed to care.
This is all Harriet 2.0’s fault. Who was I kidding with that whole thing? All I was doing was playing a foolish game—pretending to be someone I’m not, pretending to be adventurous, pretending I could have a little fling without consequences.
Pretending I was fearless.
I wish I’d never tapped into my alter ego. Well, I’m done with her, with her utter disregard for my feelings and how her outlandish actions might affect me. All she did was get me hurt.
Maybe Alex was right. She said she didn’t know me anymore and I can’t say I recognize myself right now, sitting here feeling sorry for myself because some guy rejected me. I never thought I’d be that woman, falling apart over a man, but that’s exactly what it feels like. It feels like I’m falling apart.
A lone tear escapes down my cheek but I don’t bother to wipe it away. I hurt my sister and ruined her wedding. She’ll probably never forgive me.
And I’ve lost the man who made me feel more alive than anyone ever has.
I just hope I haven’t lost myself, too.
* * *
I’m going backto work today. I don’t want to see Paula because she’ll be all excited to hear about my trip, and even though it’s been four days since I arrived home, I’m still in pieces. Tiny, fragmented little pieces that I can’t put back together. Every time I try, there’s a piece missing.
I haven’t been sleeping well. At night I lie awake in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying the past few weeks. When I do drift off to sleep, it’s fitful and full of messed-up dreams. I had one where I was drowning in the lake but Luke didn’t notice, and when he finally tried to save me it was too late. I had another dream where I was down on a subway platform but it was empty and quiet, like at the museum. Then I noticed that Alex was on the tracks so I went down to talk to her, and a train came screaming around the corner. I woke before it hit us, but… clearly I have some issues.
It’s been a weird few days. I’ve never missed someone like I miss Luke. It’s an ache, a physical pain in my chest. My heart has been dropped off a cliff and now it’s so bruised I’m not sure how it will recover. I know I shouldn’t miss him, not after he left me to fend for myself at the wedding, but I can’t help it. I keep thinking of things I want to share with him or say to him, then I realize I can’t. It’s like that phantom limb syndrome where people who’ve lost limbs keep thinking they’re still there. How on earth can I feel like that after only knowing him for two and a half weeks? I must be losing my mind.
Alex has called a few more times and I’ve let it go to voicemail. I just can’t face her yet. At least Steph hasn’t been home, showering me with questions. She’s been up in Auckland for work and I could not be more glad. It feels like a tiny mercy from this cruel and heartless universe.
Anyway. Enough moping. Enough feeling like shit over something so stupid. Time to get on with my life. Work today.
I do have a bit of a conundrum, though. It’s going to sound silly, but I don’t know what to wear to work. On autopilot I put on my slim-fitting jeans and a simple T-shirt, pulling my hair up into the tight bun on my head. But when I look at myself in the mirror, it doesn’t feel right. I might be done with the outrageous version of myself, but I’m not the old me anymore, either. The trip to New York changed me, whether I like it or not.
In the end I stay in my jeans and T-shirt, but I put my red lipstick on and wear my hair half-up, half-down. It seems like a kind of compromise, and I smile at myself in the mirror when I’m done. The smile doesn’t reach my eyes.
I drag my feet the whole walk to work, but when I finally push through the glass doors and inhale the familiar scent of coffee beans and Paula baking something delicious, a little part of me unfurls. It’s nice to be back here, actually. Comforting. Maybe I can do this. Maybe today will be good.
Paula pops out from the kitchen, grinning when she sees me. “Hey, chick!” She wraps me in a tight hug, then releases me. “You look fantastic! How was your trip?”
I burst into tears.
Fuck. Not a brilliant start.
“Oh, love!” She takes my hand and guides me over to a table. “What’s wrong?”
