But now, as I peek inside the packed studio, I feel very out of place. I mean, I do yoga, so I am familiar with the whole Eastern approach to things. But with yoga it’s mostly about the body, which I can handle. I always steered away from the airy-fairy side of it.
“Come on in, don’t be shy,” the instructor calls from the front of the room.
I glance around and realize she’s talking to me. A few heads turn and I slink into a row near the middle, flopping onto a spare cushion. I slide down to the floor, resting my head on the pillow. What I couldreallyuse, after the night I had, is a nap. I wonder if she would mind if I just laid my head down here while everyone else did the thing. Because this pillow is good…
“Right, okay. Sitting up with your back straight, cushion positioned under your buttocks.”
I jerk up, wrinkling my nose in disgust. This pillow has had a million butts on it and I was just snuggling my cheek against it. Ugh.
I haul myself into a sitting position, crossing my legs in front of me like everyone else seems to be doing. Right, okay. I can do this. Time to meditate, take control of my mind and get some clarity with my business. Let’s go!
“Begin by closing your eyes,” the instructor says in a low, soothing voice. “We’re going to start with a few deep breaths. In through the nose for a count of five seconds, hold for five, then out through the mouth for a count of eight seconds. Let’s do it together. In; one, two…”
I breathe in through my nose, trying to follow her counts. But I get to the end of my breath long before she gets to five, so I have to hold my breath for nine seconds to catch up with her, and by the time we’re supposed to breathe out I’m so dizzy that my breath rushes out and I gasp another in.
Not off to a great start.
Okay, no. Let’s try again.
I tune her out for a moment and draw in a breath, counting to five in my own head. I hold it and release, then repeat it and, gradually, I feel my body begin to relax.
“You want to feel the breath expand in your belly,” the instructor says.
What?
I breathe in again, feeling my chest expand. My stomach isn’t expanding, because my lungs aren’t down there. Becausenobody’slungs are down there. What is she talking about?
“Clear your mind. Remove all thoughts and just focus on the breath.”
I frown, opening one eye to glance around the room. Everyone is perfectly still, their eyes closed in blissful surrender, their minds all apparently wiped clear at the mere mention of it. The instructor is just sitting silently and my frown deepens. Is that it? Isn’t she supposed to teach ushowto clear the thoughts from our mind?
“Whenever you feel your mind wander,” she adds, “just gently bring it back to the breath.”
I close my eyes again, willing myself to focus.Come on, Cat. You’re not even trying.
Right okay. Focus on the breath.In, count; hold, count; out, count. In…
What am I going to do about the store? Geoff suggested doing more with my own designs, but I don’t see how that’s going to help, because—
Whoops.In, count; hold, count; out…
I wonder why Shane hasn’t texted me. He said he’d text me the next day. It’s just that he was really cute, and we seemed to get along okay, despite what Myles said—
Goddammit, I’m hopeless.In, count; hold, count…
Myles was annoying the other night. What is it with that guy? I’ve never met a bartender who is so nosy, so involved in my business—
Arrrgh!In, count; hold…
But was he right? Do I mislead guys? It’s not like I try todeliberatelymislead them, but I do think it’s a good idea to show your best self—like a job interview. But still, judging Myles for what he does at work is harsh. It’s really not my business how he meets women, and I shouldn’t have—
Oh for fuck’s sake!In, count…
Why am I the only one here who can’t do this? Why is no one else battling to keep their mind focused on their breath? What’s wrong with my brain? Geoff said this would help me but I’m feeling more tense and aggravated than ever! It’s absurd that we are expected to just know how to keep our mind focused without—
“You’re doing great, everyone.” The instructor’s voice interrupts my spiraling thoughts and I dig my nails into my palms. “Remember to keep focusing on the breath, and if your mind wanders, just notice without judgment and gently bring it back.”
I open my eyes, glancing around the room in frustration. I’m just about to tiptoe out when the instructor’s gaze lands on me. I lift my chin, throwing her a defiant look. I don’t give a shit what she says, this isn’t working.
