“I went east to do it, to civilize myself. It wasn’t easy. I am reserved by nature, but I had to train myself to be more open and friendly. Meeting up with a French gambler helped. Henri Andrevie was everything I wasn’t, a devil-may-care fellow with a roguish charm and an exasperating sense of humor, just the sort of man you fell in love with.”
Sharisse blushed at his knowing smile.
“Instead of going to all that trouble to change yourself, why didn’t you just hire someone to take care of Samuel Newcomb? You had the money. Wouldn’t that have been easier?”
“Yes, but not at all satisfying. I don’t believe in getting someone to do my work for me. It was something I had to do myself. It took five years before I felt I was ready.
“But when I returned to Newcomb, a completely changed man, it wasn’t good enough. The people all remembered me. And to try and convince Samuel Newcomb that I was reformed just wouldn’t have worked. So I became my own twin, pretending to be Lucas in order to fool Newcomb.” He sat down across from her, a little of the tension going out of him. “No one suspected there weren’t really two of us. Showing up as myself occasionally in town helped, because we were so completely different.”
“No one knew? No one at all?”
“Only Billy.”
“Of course.” She nodded, understanding. “He made a point of telling me stories when I first got to the ranch, stories about you and Lucas and him tracking horses together.”
He chuckled, and she said, “I’m surprised he never slipped and called you Slade by mistake.”
“To avoid any mistakes like that, I had to insist he keep Lucas and me separate, even when we were alone.”
“So all that business about you, or rather Lucas, living with an aunt in St. Louis was lies?”
“Oh, there was an aunt, but she was a bitch. Luke and I hated her as much as our father did. There was never any thought of going back to her.”
“You could have told me before now,” she said, trying to take it all in.
“No, I couldn’t. There were too many discrepancies in your own story for me to trust you.”
“But you let me leave Newcomb thinking I was married, when all along my husband didn’t exist. How could you be so cavalier?”
“There was no need to tell you. You were supposed to get an annulment. Remember?”
“Why was it necessary for me to ever meet you as Slade?” she demanded. “You know how he terrified me.”
“I’m afraid that was pure selfishness on my part. I wanted you so much, but you were playing hard to get. I couldn’t think of anything except you. I figured, as Slade, I could send you running to Lucas for protection. It worked.”
“Well, of course it worked,” she snapped. “Lucas wasn’t nearly so frightening after Slade. Who could be?”
“That was the idea,” he admitted. “I couldn’t understand your fear of Lucas. You were supposed to be a widow, for one thing, and your response to his kisses contradicted your protests. You put him off, yet I knew you wanted him.”
She blushed and looked away. Did he have to be so blunt? “It was only afterward that I realized your reaction would have been extreme with any man who threatened your virginity. You really should have told me you were a virgin.”
“So you simply changed places that night on the mountain? Of course, Billy played along with it, making me think there were two of you.” It all came back to her in a rush. “No wonder Slade let me go so easily when we got there. You just assumed you would bed me later, as Lucas!”
“True. You can’t deny that I made it easier for Lucas. You wanted us both. He was your choice, but the harsh Slade you feared could also have made love to you, and you know it.”
Oh, how she wanted to deny it. But she couldn’t. And he knew she couldn’t. It infuriated her.
“Pure selfishness is not a good enough term for your actions,” she said bitterly.
“You can’t make me feel guilty at this late date for making love to you! I could have gone to Rosa’s place in town and had my pick, but I wanted only you. Hell, I wanted you even before you got there, just from your damned picture. Do you have any idea how ridiculously delighted I was when you showed up instead of your sister?”
She was absurdly pleased to hear him say that. And, truth to tell, she didn’t regret for a minute giving herself to him. But it wasn’t him—it was Lucas. She’d made love only to Lucas, and he wasn’t Lucas.
“Oh, I’m getting so confused.”
He kept silent, letting her sift through her thoughts. “Why did you show up that second time at the ranch? It was bad enough that I suspected you had the same power over me as Lucas did. Did you have to prove it and make me feel even worse?”
His mouth hardened. “I was hoping to disprove it. It didn’t sit too well with me that you wanted us both. I thought you would forget about me after Lucas made love to you, but you didn’t, did you?”
