“She told my wife. And she put me through hell,” he hissed at her.
“She judged Regina correctly. She knew the knowledge would go no further and it hasn’t.”
“She always threatened to let the fact be known.”
“Only threats, Nicky.”
“But I lived with her threats. They governed my life. Even so, I would have taken the label gladly if I could have had a real mother. Didn’t you see that when I poured out my heart to you all those years?Why didn’t you tell me?”
The bastardy stigma wasn’t as important as this war. Both knew it. Eleanor sobbed, “Forgive me,” and ran into the house.
Reggie placed her hand on Nicholas’ arm. “She was afraid to tell you, afraid you would hate her. Go after her, Nicholas. Listen to her calmly and let her tell you what she told me. It hasn’t been easy for her all these years either.”
“You knew?” he asked incredulous.
“Since I gave birth to Thomas,” she answered gently. “She was with me during labor, and she wanted me to know the real reason why you weren’t there. You see, Nicholas, I’m afraid I didn’t believe that anyone could be so foolish as to let his having been birthed on the wrong side of the blanket stop him from marrying.” She smiled up at him. “I’m sorry, but I never appreciated how much it meant to you.”
“It doesn’t mean much anymore,” he conceded.
“Then don’t judge her so harshly, Nicholas, and hear her out without erupting. Please.”
He stood there looking at the house and she went on, “Not every woman has the courage to raise an illegitimate child. Look howyoudealt with it, after all. You decided never to marry because you didn’t want a wife to share your burden. Do you think it’s not worse for the mother? And remember how young Eleanor was at the time.”
“You would have done it, wouldn’t you?”
She shrugged. “Yes, but remember we Malorys are already accustomed to having bastards in the family.”
He grunted.
“Go on, Nicholas. Talk to her. You’ll find she’s still the same woman who has always been your best friend. She’s been a mother to you all along. Now it’s your turn to listen to her sorrow.”
His hand cupped her face tenderly. Thomas was squirming in her arms, and Nicholas said, “Go feed my son, madame.”
Reggie smiled as he walked away from her, toward the house. Across the lawn, her eyes met Miriam’s and she shook her head as Miriam turned away abruptly. Would Miriam ever change?
She rubbed her cheek against Thomas’ head and began walking toward the house. “Don’t worry, my angel, you will have so much love you will never miss hers. Just wait until you’re old enough to hear about your great-uncles. Why, one was a pirate for a while, and…”
Chapter 41
ELEANOR’S bedroom door was closed but Nicholas could hear heartrending sobs from inside. He opened the door soundlessly. She lay across her bed, head buried in her arms, shoulders shaking pathetically. His chest tightened painfully. He closed the door and sat down beside her, gathering her in his arms. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I wouldn’t have made you cry, not for anything, you know that.”
She opened golden-brown eyes shimmering with tears. Her eyes were so like his own. Lord, what a fool he was not to have recognized that before.
“You don’t hate me, Nicky?”
“Hate you?” he echoed. “You, who have always been my solace, the only person I could count on to love me?” He shook his head. “You can’t imagine how many times when I was small I pretended you were my real mother. Why didn’t I realize it was true?”
“You weren’t supposed to know.”
“I should have realized it anyhow, especially when you stopped coming here after Father died. I always wondered why you came here at all. You and Miriam barely spoke to each other. You came because of Father, didn’t you?”
“I think you misunderstand, Nicky. Your father and I were together only once. No, I came to Silverley only to be near you. He kept the peace between Miriam and me, making it possible for me to be with you in your home. The reason I didn’t come to Silverley after he died was because you were grown. You went to sea for two years, and then you lived in London. You rarely came to Silverley yourself, remember.”
“I couldn’t stand being with Miriam,” he said bitterly. “You saw her all this week. It’s never been any different, Ellie.”
“You have to understand Miriam, Nicky. She never forgave me for loving Charles, and you were a constant reminder that she’d failed with him.”
“Why the bloody hell didn’tyoumarry him?”
