“The Great Swamp Shark,” Carter put in smoothly. “And just so you know, it’s getting near his dinner time.”
Several of the kidnappers made gulping noises, like bullfrogs. One of them, staring bullfrog-eyed at Fen, said, “You have a rat in your shirt.”
“He’s a sugar glider,” she said, petting him. “I have a way with animals.”
“As you saw,” put in Carter. “Now tell us everything. Out with it, or you go back in the water!”
Four of the kidnappers looked at the fifth. It was Bill. Fen supposed he was their leader. She was pleased to note that he had a sodden bandage on his hand where she’d bitten him.
He puffed out his chest, as much as he could while flopped on the ground, and said, “I run a secret society for men who want to go back to their roots as real men. Modern men have lost their way. They take orders from women. They depend on technology like cell phones, instead of spears and stones and their own strength, like the cavemen of yore.”
“Did the cavemen of yore play paintball?” Carter inquired.
“Or use outboard motors?” asked Fen. “Or airplanes?”
Defensively, Bill said, “They would have if they’d had them. Anyway, my society puts us back in touch with our true selves: Man the Hunter!”
The kidnappers loudly chorused, “Man the Hunter!”
Carter and Fen jumped. Several of the kidnappers looked embarrassed.
“Er, anyway,” Bill went on. “I lead them on hunting trips and so forth. Also, I’m a nutritional consultant for men going on the caveman diet, which is very popular nowadays with high-powered alpha men like CEOs.”
Carter made a choking noise. He sounded in danger of doing a Fen-style roll on the ground laughing fit.
Fen asked, “Is that what alpha CEOs call the paleo diet?”
“Pah!” Bill exclaimed. “Paleo is for wusses. REAL men do it caveman style. First thing in the morning, you make a smoothie with raw beef liver—”
Carter made another choking noise, this one sounding like Fen felt at the idea of that. To distract herself from imagining how that tasted, she said, “First time I’ve heard of cavemen using blenders.”
Icily, Bill said, “They would have if they’d had them. Anyway, I was in very, very high demand. One of my clients is Eldon McManus, the CEO of America’s greatest tech company, TicTech.”
“Eldon McManus?” Fen exclaimed. Suddenly everything fell into place. “He’sbehind this?”
“No wonder their products are so awful, if Eldon drinks liquefied raw liver for breakfast!” Carter exclaimed.
Scowling, Bill said, “I’ll have you know, Eldon a true alpha male. I told him about Man the Hunter, and he was very interested. He proposed that I pit my alpha hunters against the epitome of tech-happy modern man and modern woman—you two—in a battle supreme from which only one could emerge victorious!”
Fen waited for the rest of it. There was an awkward pause, and Bill said defensively, “And we did! We won. Your little tech toys were no match for our—”
“Paintball rifles?” Carter put in.
“Hunting skills,” sneered Bill.
Fen and Carter looked at each other. Carter spoke first. “How much did he pay you?”
“What?” Bill asked blankly.
“Eldon,” said Fen. “How much did he pay you to kidnap us?”
This seemed to offend Bill. “Nothing! It was purely a skills test. We can all afford to take some time off work, and Al here owns a plane.”
Al nodded vigorously. “I flew everyone here.”
“What the hell kind of work do manly cavemen do?” asked Fen incredulously.
“I’m a private nutritional consultant, like I said,” said Bill. “Al’s a private trainer, Jim’s a life coach, Horace is the activity coordinator for an exclusive country club, and Bob’s a podiatrist.”
