He was a professional, and I could tell he was being patient with me. "Well, thanks for everything," I said, smiling and waving at him.
"You too," he said.
"I guess we'll see each other in a few weeks."
He smiled. "Yep, see you in Montana."
"Kay. Bye."
We waved at each other as we disconnected.
Chapter 4
A month later
It was our first day on set, and I was excited and nervous to finally meet the other cast members. Alex had run into financial hurdles and had to delay the series by over a year, but everyone in the cast was able to continue with the project in spite of the new timeline.
That part of it was difficult for me, honestly. I had a lot more going on in my life this year than I did last year. I was a full-time student, and that was only the beginning of my endeavors. I was in the middle of organizing two concerts and a charity fundraiser. The series should have been finished by now, but instead, we were just arriving on set.
My anxiety had been difficult lately. I assumed it was to be expected since I had so much going on in my life. I had just finished finals in time to make it here. I wanted to play this role and continue to do all the things I had committed myself to, but I couldn't stop my body from becoming overwhelmed with the physical effects of anxiety.
It had been hitting me in waves, on and off, all day today. We traveled to Montana, and then we had dinner and a meet and greet with the cast and crew. I smiled and pretended nothing was the matter. Inside, I felt like I was dying, though. I tried totell myself that I wasn't scared of this series and that everything would go well. I didn't feel scared in my mind. But my body was betraying me, and I felt the physical effects of fear even though I was doing a good job of keeping my thoughts positive.
I was mad at myself for being so weak. I wanted to live a normal life and be able to carry out the tasks I had committed myself to. I would go from having a normal conversation with someone to looking around for the nearest exit and wondering how long it would take an ambulance to make it to me. The sick, urgent feeling would fall upon me suddenly. It was physical, but it felt so bad that my mind followed it. With the way my body was feeling, I would begin to imagine a whole scenario where I had to be air-lifted off the property in a scene of medical chaos. I would entertain these extreme thoughts for a moment, and then I'd have to talk myself into imagining something pleasant so that my heart rate could go back down.
I was exhausted from the internal battle, but I refused to let it beat me, so I agreed to go to the next town with a group of people after dinner that evening. We would leave soon, but I was fighting another one of those waves at the moment. I shared a trailer with my sister, and we had the tiniest bathroom. I was standing at the sink, looking at my reflection in the mirror. On the outside, I appeared to be a normal, healthy young woman.So why did my body feel like this?I had been through this enough that I knew I was not actually sick, so I did my best to push those thoughts out of my mind.
"Bye, have fun tonight!" I heard my sister yell through the bathroom door.
"Are you going somewhere?" I said through the door. My voice was chipper and cheery and didn't at all reflect how I felt at the moment.
"Yeah, just for a walk. I'll probably go to the creek, and maybe the horse barn."
"Okay, I'll see you when I get back, then," I said, trying to speak like a normal person.
It must've worked because Amelia told me that she loved me, and then she left. I heard when the trailer door opened and closed, and I peered out to see that I was alone. My body was buzzing with unwanted rushing adrenaline, and I instantly called Jacob, hoping for a grounding force.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hey," I said in a tone that reflected my weakness.
"What's up?" he said.
I could tell he knew something was wrong with me.
"I'm, I've just been struggling today."
"I thought you were good," he said.
"I just texted you that because, you know, we made it here fine. The flight was good and everything, and I couldn't explain. But it's been a tough one today."
"What's been so tough?" he said.
"You sound mad."
"I'm not mad, I'm just… what's been bad, Ty?"
"My symptoms. That feeling. It was on the side of my neck, and my arm was weak and everything."
