Nice.
I smiled when I read that, since it matched mine. I saw that he was typing something else, so I hesitated. Within a few seconds, another text came in.
Sam:
I just wanted to check in.
Me:
Sounds good, have fun on your trip.
I hit send, smiling and feeling satisfied that I had been at least as aloof as he was.
He loved my message.
I thought about adding a text, saying something crazy like I missed him, but I'm glad I didn't since all he did was heart my message. We were not making any promises to each other.
It was the following day when I heard from Sam again. He was busy getting ready for the photoshoot, so we only talked for a little while, but it was long enough for him to tell me that he had caught up with his childhood friend—someone he had beenin a commercial with when he first started acting. Apparently, this woman now worked with the photographer. They hadn't kept up with each other since they met as children, and it was a whole shocking scene when they figured out they knew each other from way back then.
It was later that evening when I found out that the friend in question was also a beautiful bombshell. She had dark hair that was cropped in a jaw-length bob, and she was looking so stylish and edgy. Meanwhile, I had been letting my hair grow and become natural for the last two years so that I could look like a simple pioneer woman. I felt less than beautiful as I looked at her pictures. It was ridiculous that I felt that way. I knew I had a lot going for myself a person, but in those moments, as I went through this other woman's social media, I felt inadequate.
What did it matter?I didn't have my heart set on having Sam, anyway. It wasn't like I thought we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. We lived in different cities. He lived in the same city as this girl from his past.
I was on her social media when she uploaded a new post. It had multiple pictures, and I scanned through them quickly, feeling nauseous at the fact that the whole post was basically an ode to Sam. One of the slides was a video, and I watched it. It was a vintage-looking commercial for Capri Sun, and it featured a young Sam and herself as children on a playground. They were the two main kids in the commercial.
I knew Sam's first commercial was for Capri Sun, but I had never seen it. I watched it several times, and then I looked at those pictures of them in L.A. today way more times than I should have. Sam was in all of them with her, and they were having fun. The feelings of jealousy were so strong that I reprimanded myself and stopped looking at the post. I did this process several times that night, unable to stop going back to it.
I woke up the following morning feeling electrocuted and full of anxiety. My sister had some rehearsing she wanted to do with me, and I got through it, balancing two acting jobs at once—the one where I was pretending to be someone in the series and the one where I was pretending my body didn't feel like it was dying.
My sister went to the horse barn when we were finished with our morning rehearsal, and I told her I was going to stay in the camper and tend to some of my work. What I was really planning on doing was pacing and trying to convince myself that I was going to survive the physical symptoms I was suffering on the inside. I no longer had Jacob to assure me I was going to live.
Sam would be back the following day, and maybe I was dreading seeing him. I knew I was going to pull back with him, and I wasn't looking forward to that. I knew I would get over him, and this whole thing wasn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life. Which was exactly why it was disheartening that my body was full of panic over it. I was nauseous and sick, having so many physical symptoms that I looked up the hospital in Butte just to see what it was like if I had to go there.
I told myself I had been through this before and that I would get through it. But it was hard. I was in the midst of a hard bout of buzzing. I was in fight or flight mode even though I was all alone and safe in my trailer. I thought maybe a distraction would help. I thought maybe a walk would help. I opened the door to get some fresh air, and Jacob Cartwright was standing there.
"What are you doing here?" I said weakly, blinking and thinking I was seeing things.
"I came to see you," Jacob said sweetly, holding his hands out like he expected me to walk into them.
In those seconds, with my body so on fire, I could do nothing else. He was familiar, and I felt like I might die, anyway, so what did I have to lose?
"Hello to you, too," he said, thinking I was gripping onto him because I missed him.
That was when I realized I should let go. I pulled back and stared at him. "What in the world? How'd you get here? It's a closed set."
"I'm, uh, only staying for a couple of days. Jen Sutter let me come out here and check out the set."
"You're staying here on the ranch?" I said, feeling confused.
"It's just for two nights," he said. "She wouldn't rent it out for more."
"I'm surprised she even rented it out at all."
"It was a glitch," he said. "It wouldn't let me select a date for the next month, but then I added some special package where she cooks all my meals, and it let me book. She called and said she couldn't keep it, but I told her I was your boyfriend. She loves you and your sister. She's cool. She put a ton of food in the apartment for us. I guess so for five grand."
My head was throbbing, and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest. "Why'd you tell her that?"
"Tell her what?" he asked, looking confused.
