"I wish you could hear yourself," he said with no patience whatsoever.
"I can hear myself," I said. "I can hear myself perfectly. You have no idea what's going on inside my body."
"You say that every time you're like this. I bet it has to do with your period."
Maybe his words were logical, but to me they sounded heartless and judgmental. My anger flared. "You're actually being no help at all," I said, trying to endure the physical throbbing.
"What does your sister say about it?"
"I haven't told her."
"See? Why not? Why am I the only one you take this out on?"
"Because, Jacob. This is my true self. I have to work so hard to hold myself together for everyone else that I'm hoping I can just be honest with someone in my life. I thought that wasyou. The fact that you think of it as me taking it out on you is hilarious."
"So, let me get this straight. You're honestly just super sick, but you hide it in front of everyone else and only let it show to me?"
"I can tell by your phrasing that you're trying to be backhanded about it."
"How?" he said.
"You're pointing out that I'm… I don't know what you're trying to point out. You're trying to make me feel bad about coming to you for help when I need the opposite of that. I called because I needed your help. I need you to tell me to get back in there, that I've got this, and I can do it, and that I can get through this."
"You can, Ty, but you don't need me to tell you that every time. If all this stuff is too hard mentally, just quit. They'll find someone else to play your role. Life goes on."
I felt resentment that he couldn't just encourage me. "Well, I'm not quitting, so I guess I'll just talk to you later when I feel like talking about something else."
There were a few long seconds of silence, and then he said, "You should talk to your sister about it."
"I'm not talking to Amelia. She's just going to start talking about God. That's where she's at now. She was supposed to come with me tonight, and now she ran off to read her Bible."
"Where are you going tonight?"
"Judd and Cameron and some of the others are going to the nearest town… to hang out or whatever. I think some of them are playing pool. All I know is that Amelia's not going anymore."
"Are you going?" he asked.
"Probably," I said, feeling defiant.
"See? If you can do that, then what's the point of all this?"
"Thanks, I can see you don't understand. You can't feel inside my body, but thanks."
"You say that every time, and nothing ever happens to your body. You went to the hospital for it before, and they told you it was just anxiety."
"Yeah, but that felt different than…" I hesitated because I knew I wasn't getting anywhere with the conversation.
I hung up with Jacob feeling frustrated, but honestly, he had told me what I needed to hear. He was right. Nothing ever happened to my body. I was going to live to see another day in spite of feeling like my body might spontaneously combust. I wondered if it was possible to stop your own heart with worry, and then I told myself that was ridiculous. If my heart was going to stop from worry, it already would have by now.
I don't know if it was to prove Jacob wrong or to prove him right, and I honestly don't know if Jacob had anything to do with it at all, but either way, I kept my plans and went out with everyone.
Chapter 5
Sam
Sam had met Alex, Judd, and Cameron while he was in college. The other three were the closest to each other, but Sam hung out with them a lot, too. He had met Judd their freshman year, and they hit it off instantly. They were both artists who also loved going to the gym, so they did a lot of physical things together like rock climbing or mountain biking.
At first, Sam spent less time with Alex and Cameron than he did with Judd, but he had gotten to know them all during their time at college. He and Judd were the closest, but he liked them all, and he was happy about getting this role and doing a good job on this project for Alex.
