But Noah’s gaze was warm as he slid his arms around Benji’s bare waist, pulling him flush against him. Still a little suspicious, but it was fading fast as he slipped his hands over Benji’s ass.
“I was going to spank you,” he admitted. “If that’s something you could be into.”
Benji didn’t even think about it. “Okay.”
“Are you sure? It wasn’t on your list.”
It took Benji a second to remember what he was talking about. His list, back when he put up that sugar baby account full of faceless photos and a hostile bio that Daphne cringed over, sure that it would attract either no one or exactly the wrong type of daddy. The type who wanted totamehim and didn’t care much if he wanted the same.
Instead, he got Noah. Sweet, kind Noah, who liked to overwhelm him with pleasure until he cried. Who brought Benji breakfast in bed and stocked up on his favorite brand of peanut butter, and apparently wanted to spank him.
“I think we’re well fucking past the list,” Benji told him flatly. “I told you, you can do whatever you want to me. I can take it.”
Something dangerously close to suspicion flickered over Noah’s face.
Benji panicked. He leaned up, digging his teeth into Noah’s lower lip.
“Are you gonna bend me over your lap?” he asked, not even having to try to make his voice husky for this. “Or do I have to do it myself?”
Noah’s lips twitched in that little half-smile he got sometimes when Benji was being a bitch. He squeezed Benji’s ass, and Benji grimaced as his sensitive cock twitched against his thigh. He honestly wasn’t sure if he could handle another orgasm. He also wasn’t sure if Noah could make him come from spanking—it was never one of his fantasies. He liked the look of it, sure. But whenever he experimented with slapping his own ass while jerking off, it didn’t do much for him.
Noah kissed him, surprisingly sweet. Then he pulled back, his eyes dark. “Bend over the end of the bed.”
Benji hurried to obey. He bent over the bed, ass out, elbows braced on the duvet. He waited for that beautiful rush of submission to hit him, as heady as a high, but it didn’t come. He was too clouded with frustration and strange, bitter betrayal.He had a hard lifekept echoing through his head.
Fuck him,Benji thought, stomach twisting with how much he didn’t want to be angry at Noah. It made him feel sick. Noah had been nicer to him than anyone in the world. Being mad at him feltwrong, like he was screwing him over. And yet the anger stayed, thick and curdling as Noah came up behind him, his thighs brushing Benji’s.
“I’m just gonna use my hand for this,” he started. “Alright?”
Benji nodded curtly. He’d forgotten people did spanking with other stuff. “Just get on with it.”
As soon as it was out of his mouth, he grimaced. That didn’t sound breathless and desperate like he’d been aiming for. It soundedpissed.
Sure enough, Noah hesitated. “Are you sure you want to keep going? I rode you pretty hard. You’re still shaking.”
“I’m fine,” Benji barked. “Hit me already.”
Horrible silence. Benji dropped his head into the duvet, cursing himself and his life and everything that led up to him being such a mouthy little shit who ruined everything he touched.Just let yourself feel good.Why couldn’t he just let himself go?
“Turn over,” Noah told him.
Icy fear gripped Benji’s heart.
He pressed his chest into the bed pleadingly. “You said?—”
Noah tugged at his shoulder, his grip so suspiciously soft that Benji went with it, rolling onto his back to find Noah staring down at him with warm, understanding eyes that made Benji want to cry.
“I’m still gonna do it,” he told Benji. “I just want to kiss you first.”
Benji bit his tongue to stop a heartfelt sigh from leaking out. Noah was sosweet. Even when Benji was rigid and snappy, even after his shithead brother ambushed him. Even with his stupid fucking white knight fantasy, as if Benji was a damsel waiting to be saved. As if he wasworththat.
Noah’s voice echoed through his head again.Just let yourself feel good. But it was buried under a lifetime of howling frustration and distrust and darkness.
Benji had felt like shit for so long. Anything else felt wrong.
He kissed back too hard, teeth scraping, hands raking through Noah’s hair. Tangling his legs behind Noah’s, tugging him closer. Trying to piss him off, he realized dimly as he felt Noah muffle a grunt against his mouth. Trying to make something bad happen, to set the world right.
But Noah was still smiling when he pulled away, wrangling Benji back onto his stomach. Benji fought it. Just a little, so he could feel Noah push him down. His hand was flat in the middle of Benji’s back, and for a moment, Benji felt that calm surge up to meet him.
