He blinked. “Why?”
A valid question that I did not have a valid answer to.
“I need help with the… uh, the project,” I stuttered. “Lola doesn’t think that I can research as well as you, so I want you to help me find good articles. To prove her wrong.”
Alex eyed me skeptically, and I offered a lopsided smile.
Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.
“What time?”
I try to wipe the evidence of my giddiness off my face. “I don’t have practice tonight, so whenever you want.”
“Alright, River. Text me your address.”
After spending a month avoiding him and keeping my distance, I finally caved in. I was too weak to endure the torment any longer.
We’d have to suffer the consequences later.
Classes dragged out so long that I resorted to pleading with time itself to speed up. When I finally made it home, I went straight to prepare for Alex to come over.
I took a long shower and shaved, cleaned Carson and my bathroom, and tidied my bedroom. Now I was doing the last thing on my list: the dishes. Momma would be so proud of me.
I had an urge to do something special. Something to make up for all the hot and cold behavior I was putting Alex through. He never deserved that treatment, and as much as I justified my actions because they came out of care and protection, they still hurt him. And what hurt him hurt me.
“Carson,” I sang.
Carson, having just entered the kitchen, side-eyed me. “What do you want?”
I continued sticking the plates into the dishwasher. “Why do you assume I want something?”
“Because you’re you.”
“Lucky for you, I do want something. Will you cook dinner tonight?”
Pulling a plate out of the cupboard, he turned to me with a raised brow. “Why?”
Carson had been with me during the shittiest times of my life, and never did he try to leave my side. He was my only brother, and I couldn’t even tell him about the only guy that I ever came close to caring for as much as I did him. The thought of telling him made my throat dry up, but I couldn’t explain exactly why.
“Alex is coming over, and I want him to have food in case he’s hungry,” I said. “To make up for how much of an ass I’ve been to him.”
Car leaned against the counter, listening intently. “What have you done to the guy?”
I tossed the dishwasher pod inside and shut the door. Slowly, I faced Carson, my body wracked with guilt. “I’ve been gaslighting him into thinking I don’t remember who he is.”
“But you do?” he asked.
“I tried to forget for a long time. It never stuck.”
Pulling a hair-tie out of his pocket, Carson pulled his hair into a ponytail, rolling his lips together as he processed what I said. “Why are you pretending you don’t remember him?”
Easy. It was the safest option and protected him in more ways than one. If I couldn’t stay away from him, I had to keep some sort of distance, that being acting as if we had no past.
I took a long, deep breath. “It keeps him safe.”
“From?”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “Me.”
