Killian ran a hand through his hair, his eyes softening in a mix between guilt and empathy. “I’m not trying to be an ass, okay? I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“Yeah.” Only my eyes fell to the ground, but it felt like my whole body was falling. “If that’s what you want, Killian.”
“But you will always mean the world to me.” He kneeled before me and put his hands in mine before squeezing tight. “I don’t want you to think I never loved you. I did so damn much, Alex. This will be better for both of us, I really believe that.”
“Did.” I can’t help but whisper the word.
My ex paused, and his hands that used to feel so warm in mine but now felt strange, loosened. “Do. I still do love you, and all the time we spent together meant everything to me. I’m sorry.”
“All the time we spent together meant everything to me.”Did it, though?
It baffled me how one could spend countless hours, days, even years with someone and then toss them aside like they were shit on the bottom of their shoe.
I wasn’t an idiot. I knew people could change, drift apart, or simply get bored in a relationship. The vast majority of relationships fail, so in a way, it was inevitable. Still, to be with someone for five years and then suddenly believe things weren’t working out made little sense to me. It couldn’t only be a “feeling,” it was something more.
All of that time together meant absolutely nothing to him, while it meant everything to me. Maybe I simply grew too attached to a high school relationship doomed to fail. Or perhaps it hit so hard because it wasn’t the first time someone I cared deeply for had abruptly ended things without any explanation.
But at some point, you had to accept that people lose each other and there would never be shit you could do about it.
I liked to tell myself that over the three long months after Killian and I split, I finally accepted that fact. But it didn’t matter how much I lied to myself—it never felt true because it never was. The chaos and stress of classes were the only things keeping me from spending my evenings wallowing in self-pity while thinking about him.
The fall semester started only two weeks ago, and I was already drowning in work. I sat with my friend in the library as he tried to explain the bits I was confused about. Unfortunately for him, I was confused about everything.
Somewhere down the line of endless torture, we switched from studying biology to my friend relaying his issues to me about his boyfriend and the state of their dorm. Even though they’d been living together for months, he was only now concluding that he wasn’t as clean as he once thought.
“Y’know, I kind of assumed Eli was the cleanest out of his siblings, but living with him makes me think maybe it was his sister keeping the house in shape.” The pencil in Javier’s hand swung as he spoke absentmindedly. “He isn’t a slob or anything, but I think when we lived with my parents, he was on his best behavior. Now that it’s just us in our dorm, he doesn’t have to perform as much.”
“Crazy,” I muttered, eyes lulling over the textbook.
“Yeah,” he drawled. With eyes peering at me, he set his pencil down and sighed, blowing strands of his black hair upward. “Sorry, you want to study, and I’m completely distracted.”
I leaned back in my chair, shoulders tense and jaw clenched. “It’s fine. I’m not getting it anyway.”
I slammed the laptop shut with a huff. I had a tough time in biology last semester, getting two failing grades on the exams and a low C on the final. It definitely was not my brightest work.
Javier insisted on studying with me when he learned I almost failed Intro to Biology. He was a year younger than me, but already in the second biology course, able to skip the first with all the college credits he earned in high school.
Little did my friend know, I was fucking helpless when it came to anything science-related. It was unfunny just how terrible I was at the subject. But one thing my high school valedictorian friend and his salutatorian boyfriend were not going to do was let me go down without a fight.
Javier’s boyfriend, Eli, had his own exam today, so he couldn’t join the study session. Javier and I had been studying for almost two hours, and in that time, he successfully taught me to do a total of two problems. So,yay me.
“You did good.” He slapped my shoulder with a grin. “Wanna stop by the dining hall for food?”
After two long hours of saying,‘What the fuck does this even mean?’I believed I earned it.
Javier and I gathered our belongings before heading to the campus dining hall. It had just hit dinnertime, but the building was already filled with students. Long lines at each station, continuous chatter at every table, and the inability to move without almost running into someone—just as I expected.
“This is why I don’t come here around five,” I said, unsure if he heard me in the loudness of the cafeteria.
“Salad bar is the shortest.” He gestured at the salad bar.
It was the least filling option for dinner, but it was also what could get in my mouth the quickest. “Alright.”
The blended smell of burgers, chicken, and gravy hit me all at once while we stood in line, the scents attacking my nostrils aggressively. I stuffed my hands into my pockets and turned around, forgetting that there were people who had continued the line behind me. My eyes awkwardly fell on the guy behind me, and I immediately darted my eyes.
Then it dawned on me whose eyes mine had just landed on—the ones I’d spent months trying to avoid and forget. The pit in my stomach did not stop me from spinning back around and feeling the need to put on a presentable smile.
“Hey, Killian,” I greeted stiffly.
