"The way you act around alcohol concerns me."
The words hit me like a train and I blinked hard in response.Concerned? His words were not gentle or and soft, they were blunt and harsh. The word ‘concerned’ was what stung the hardest because every precaution I took was to prevent anyone who might care from worrying at all. I never talked about it with anyone and the only times I had ever shown that version of me was at a function with liquor. To hear that my efforts were useless made me feel like shit.
"Someone usually ends up babysitting you by the end of it, so I think it's easier to just not go at all. It doesn't sound all that fun anyway," he explained.
My eyes met the ground, and I sighed. It was not from disappointment of him not wanting me to go, it was from embarrassment that he was bringing the topic up. I wanted it to be over.
"If you don't want me to go then I won't go," I muttered as I kicked a rock on the ground.
“Really?” Javi asked, shocked. "Just like that?"
“Just like that.”
It seemed like he was going to speak, but I did not give him the chance. I put the helmet onto my head and rested my arm on the seat to show him I was ready to leave. There was no need to talk further because I already agreed with him that I had no business attending. I meant it.
The ride back was silent. The sound of the wind whooshing past us was too loud for us to hear each other regardless, but now it was apparent that we weren’t speaking because of my discomfort instead of inability to hear.
I was not angry with him. He had every right to feel how he felt about my unusual habits, especially when it kept burdening him unexpectedly. It was just that I would always feel an overwhelming knot in the pit of my stomach when it got brought up. It felt like embarrassment, or maybe it was dread.
Or could it be shame?
Once back at the house, I made myself comfortable in Javier’s room while he went to the bathroom. I did not want to worry about Thinkfast, and I definitely did not want to study for it any further. What I wanted was to taste the strong and repulsive bitterness of liquor, but not for the taste itself. I wanted it for the way it made me feel.
I craved the one thing that made me shameful, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
“You look upset,” sounded a soft voice before me. My body tensed at the realization that Javier’s sister had been standing there.
I straightened my back and tried to look as okay as possible. “I’m okay.”
Gabriela came across the room and sat on the bed next to me. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug, one that caught me off guard, but I played off nicely.
I should have known that was what she was going to do, it was what she always did. Ever since she became friends with my sister, when she would see me she’d wrap me in a loving embrace as a greeting. At first, I thought that she was simply an affectionate person just like her brother, but then I noticed she did not do that with everyone else.
She was a very sweet person and I appreciated the hug every time, but I couldn’t figure out why she did it.
Gabriela pursed her lips with slight disbelief behind her eyes, but she didn’t press. “Did you get to see Millie’s new camera?”
Since Mrs. Cortez and Alex’s mom were friends, Gabriela had met Millie multiple times.
“I did, she even took a picture of us. She didn’t want to take one with Javier,” I chuckled.
She giggled. “Because Millie thinks he’s boring, and she isn’t wrong.”
“I don’t think he’s boring,” I said quietly. “I can see why a seven-year-old would think so, though. But if Javier is boring then I must be a snooze-fest.”
“Millie just likes certain people and you happen to be one of them. Be honored, she’s a picky girl.”
Gabriela had no idea how much that meant to me. I leaned against the headboard and exhaled as she sat on the bed with her legs crossed.
“I just wanted to tell you how much I like you,” she started, a smile that reached her ears painting her face. “You make Javi so happy. Even back when you guys had your little rivalry thing going on, he would talk about it all the time. He framed it as complaining, but I know my brother. He wasn’t complaining.”
“He liked the rivalry?” I asked.
“He liked the excuse it gave to interact with you. I think because he was with Diane it took longer for him to really understand it all, but he’s always had a liking for you. Now that I know you a bit I can see why.”
Could she see why? I sure couldn’t.
Gabriela put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “If you ever want to talk about something that you don’t think you can share with anyone, I’m here. If you want to just talk, I’ll listen. Or if you want to rant about how annoying my brother is, I’m always down for that.”
