“You don’t have to lie to protect me.” Pain swirls in his eyes as he holds my gaze. “I know that I hurt you. I know that some of the things I said back then are unforgiveable.”
“It wasn’tyouwho said them. My magic was forcing you to say things like that against your will.”
“I know. But the words still came out ofmymouth.” He takes my hands in his. Kneeling there before me, he looks up at me with such a heartbreaking expression on his face that I almost start sobbing. “I’m so sorry, Selena. I’m sorry for all the cruel things I did. I’m sorry for all the vicious things I said.”
“It wasn’t you, Draven. You would never have said things like that to me if you’d had a choice. I know that. Everyone knows that.”
“I still hurt you. And that is the one thing I never wanted to do. I would go to war against the universe itself if it meant that I could go back in time and change it so that you would never hear such cruel words come out of my mouth. But I can’t. So all I can do is to kneel here at your feet and beg you for forgiveness that I don’t deserve.”
My heart almost breaks at the agony in his eyes when he gazes up at me. And I just want to shake him furiously so that he will get it through his head that none of this is his fault.Iam responsible for all of it. My magic forced him to say and dothings that he never wanted to do while his soul was trapped and screaming in panic at the things coming out of his mouth. That whole experience was as traumatizing for him as it was for me.
“There is nothing to forgive, Draven.” I squeeze his hands, as if I can physically press the truth of that into him. “I have never blamed you for what you said and did back then. You are not responsible for what my magic did.” Pulling on his hands, I tug him up from the floor. “And I don’t want you on your knees. I just wantyou. I want us.”
Climbing onto the bed, he pulls me onto his lap and wraps his strong arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Selena.”
I burrow into his warm embrace, pressing my cheek against his firm chest. “You have nothing to apologize for, Draven. Nothing. But if you still want my forgiveness, know that you have it. And you have always had it. The moment you said or did any of those things, I had already forgiven you.”
He draws in a deep breath, and I can almost feel the relief pulsing through his soul.
It breaks my heart, because I have never, not once, blamed him for what happened. So it pains me to learn that he has been carrying around all of this guilt and agony about something that was actually my fault. It adds to the already crushing regret inside my chest, making it even more difficult to breathe. I press myself harder against Draven’s firm body, desperately trying to fight against the now overwhelming urge to use my magic.
Draven tightens his arms around me. Leaning down, he kisses the top of my head while he begins stroking my hair with gentle, comforting movements.
“So the nightmares weren’t about me?” he asks.
“No,” I whisper back since I suddenly don’t trust my voice.
Everything inside me aches, and my mind is screaming for relief. If I can just have one little boost of magic, it will make all of this pain and regret go away. But here in Draven’s home, I have no one to use my magic on. I hate myself for evenconsidering using my magic on his people, but I need the relief so badly. Oh Goddess, I need it.
I feel like I’m one wrong move away from crumbling completely. Like a house that someone keeps ripping out the foundations of. And now, just one small poke is enough to bring the whole thing down.
“Do you want to tell me what the nightmares were about?” Draven asks softly, still stroking my back.
No, my mind immediately screams in panic. Because if I tell him about the nightmares, I will have to tell him about everything else. So I scramble for another lie.
“It was about what Bane and Jessina did to us,” I say.
His muscles tense, as if he has to physically stop himself from flying to the Ice Palace right now to slaughter Jessina just so that I won’t have to suffer through one more nightmare. Forcing out a controlled breath, he instead tightens his arms even more around me while he continues to slowly stroke my hair.
“I’m here, little rebel,” he promises, his voice solemn. “And I swear, I will never let anyone hurt you like that ever again.”
That only makes me want to cry even more. Iwantto tell him the truth. I want to tell him that I feel like I’m drowning. That I feel like I’m going to shatter into a million pieces from the weight of all my regret. That I’m fighting a losing battle against my own magic. That I don’t know how much longer I can hold out before I break down completely and use it on someone I actually care about.
My whole soul is begging me for relief. Begging me to use my magic so that I can feel that comforting warmth again and never have to experience these other awful emotions ever again.
Iwantto tell Draven that.
But I can’t. He has been carrying the responsibility for everything and everyone all his life. He deserves someone who will help him. Not someone who will just add more to his burdenwhen he is already carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
He deserves someone who is strong. Someone who will protecthim, for once.
And I will be that person.
Pressing my forehead against his warm chest, I swear to all the gods that I will pull myself together and stop being the fucking weak link. I can do this. I can handle the regret. I can brush off the bad memories and the nightmares. I can ignore this addictive need for magic.
I have to.
Goddess above, Ihaveto.
