Shame and self-disgust twist like cold snakes in my chest as I stare at the three dead people before me while I stagger to my feet.
I went too far today. I know that. But this is the last time.
I will never do something like this again.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
By the time I actually make my way down to Haldia’s house, I have managed to pull myself together enough that I no longer feel that acute sense of self-loathing. It was a moment of weakness brought on by several days of forced abstinence right after I had suffered through an entire night of torture where I had to watch my parents die and Draven hate me over and over again. I’m better now, and what happened in the dungeon will not happen again.
Night has fallen over the Unseelie Court as I walk down the street at a brisk pace. I know that Draven is waiting for me back in our room in the castle, but I really do need to see Haldia and have her heal the wounds in my thigh and shoulder. I also need to check on Orion.
Since he rushed through the portal the moment it opened, and my little breakdown in the dungeon took a while as well, he might already have left Haldia’s house. But maybe Isera is still there. She might know how it went.
The faelight gems that have been set atop swirling poles cast soft white light across the cobblestone street and make the water in the city’s many canals glitter. In the distance, the hugewaterfalls that surround the city rumble steadily as the water rushes down into the lakes at the bottom. I cast discreet glances into the windows of the buildings I pass. People have returned home for the night, gathering around dining room tables with smiles on their faces.
My soul yearns for that. For Draven. For the life I want us to have. For a future where we don’t have to constantly fight for our survival. A future where we can just explore everything that this world has to offer. See everything. Do everything. Together.
But seeing what Jessina did to Orion has made me terrified. I want everything. I want fuckingeverything. But now I’m terrified that not all of us are going to make it through this.
I study Haldia’s house as I approach it from the other end of the street.
Indecision flickers through me. She might still be working hard on trying to heal Orion’s eye, and if she is, I don’t want to disturb her.
Biting my lip, I consider while I close the final distance to the house. But caution wins out, and instead of knocking on the front door, I sneak around the building to instead approach it from the back. If I can just look inside the back window, I will be able to see into the room that Haldia uses when she treats people. Then I will know if she is in the middle of concentrating on healing or if I can actually knock on the door without ruining something.
Gleaming light from the moon and the faelight gems on the street paint silver highlights on the deep green leaves as I sneak through the bushes and into Haldia’s garden from behind. If I can just?—
I stop dead in my tracks.
My heart starts pounding in my chest as I stare at the person standing right outside the back door.
Orion Nightbane.
I can barely hear anything over my suddenly thrumming pulse as I drag my gaze over him.
He is just standing there, still as a statue, and staring unseeing at the thick foliage just a little to the right of me. As if he is here physically. But his mind is somewhere else. Hissoulis somewhere else.
My gaze settles on his eyes.
Eye.
Pain explodes in my chest as I take in the state of his normally so flawlessly beautiful face. There is still only an empty hole where his left eye used to be. And that brutal scar still cuts through his eyebrow and down to the top of his cheek.
For another minute, all I can do is to just stand there while pain and sorrow strangle my chest.
Then Orion’s knees buckle.
He crashes down on the ground right there, two steps from the back door. Drawing his knees up to his chest, he presses both hands over his face and sucks in panicked breaths.
I’m just about to rush forward and comfort him when I realize that I know Orion far too well for that. After all the months I’ve spent with him, in all kinds of situations, I know exactly what kind of person he is. And I know that he would hate it if someone saw him right now. If someone saw him like this.
So instead of trying to comfort him, I just stand there as still as I can, barely daring to breathe for fear that he will hear it and realize that I’ve seen him break down in this way. Once he leaves, I will sneak back out of the garden and then pretend that this has never happened. Because that’s what?—
The back door is shoved open.
Isera rushes out of it while whipping her head from side to side. As if she is trying to catch up to someone. As if she is trying to catch up tohim.
And because of that, she doesn’t see him sitting right outside the door, so in her haste, she trips right over him.
