I swallow thickly. Bitter shame still rolls through my stomach, making me feel sick. But I force myself to pick up the spoon and eat some mutton stew while Draven sits down opposite me. A small breath of relief escapes me when the food warms my shaking body. I tear off a piece of bread before dipping it in thestew. Closing my eyes, I let out a tiny broken moan as I chew the heavenly food. I’ve been eating mutton stew like this all my life, but it has never tasted this good.
Draven was right. The food does make me feel better.
For a few minutes, we just sit there in silence while I eat the stew and bread. Draven watches me from where he is sitting opposite me, but I don’t dare to raise my gaze and meet his eyes because I don’t want to see the expression on his face.
Grabbing the mug, I gulp down half of the water in it. He just refills it again. I eye the jars of vegetables, but just mustering the energy to open the lids and fish them out of the liquid inside feels like trying to scale a mountain right now, so I leave them be.
Once all the stew is gone, along with the entire loaf of bread, I take another long drink of water. I do feel better now. That insistent urge to use my magic is still there, but my body is no longer shaking with the need for it. The food brought strength back to my body, the tears have stopped, and I feel like I can think clearly again. But I still don’t dare to look into Draven’s face.
I set the mug down on the table again.
Silence hangs over us for a few more seconds. I brace myself for whatever Draven is about to say.
“How long have you been battling this on your own?”
I snap my gaze up to his face, because that was not at all what I had been expecting him to say. And when I meet his eyes, my heart squeezes tight. Because there is no judgement whatsoever on his face. Not one single shred of it. No disgust. No disapproval. Nothing but pain and unending love swirl in his eyes when he holds my gaze.
I draw in an unsteady breath. “I, uhm…”
“Orion told me that this incredibly addictive pleasure is a side effect that happens when you create emotions out of nothing, and that it’s stronger for you because of the depth of your raw magic.” His eyes sear into mine. “Have you beenbattling this on your own ever since the Great Games in the Unseelie Court?”
“I, uhm…” I clear my throat. “Yes.”
Pain pulses in his eyes. Letting out a long sigh, he gets up from the chair and walks around the table so that he reaches the chair next to mine instead. After dragging that even closer to me, he sits down and wraps his arms around me. A small sob escapes me as he pulls me close to his chest. I wrap my arms around him as well. His warmth and his wonderful scent envelop me as he hugs me tightly. I cling to his body, desperately trying to piece myself back together again.
He kisses the top of my head and then pulls back enough that he can meet my eyes again. Cupping my cheeks, he holds my gaze.
“I know what it’s like to be alone and always have to carry everything myself,” he says, his voice gentle. But his eyes are serious, and his hands are firm on my cheeks. “And I know that you have done it all your life too. But you are not alone anymore.”
I swallow against the thickness in my throat.
“I could have helped you carry this,” he says, shaking his head at me while that pain still flickers in his eyes.
“I didn’t want to burden you,” I press out in a broken whisper. “I wanted to make your life easier. Not harder.”
“Being partners is not just about sharing the good. It’s also about leaning on each other when things get bad.”
I swallow thickly again.
“I lean on you a lot,” he continues, sincerity brimming in his eyes. “More than I think you realize. Before, I used to always feel like I had to come up with all the plans and make sure that everything is running smoothly. But I never feel like that anymore, because I know that you are always right here with me. I know that if I miss something or make a mistake or can’t figure something out, you will still get us all through it. You’re wickedly smart and strong and capable, and I trust you more than anyone.Everything you do, and even when you don’t do anything, just knowing that I have someone as extraordinary as you by my side, takes an enormous weight off my shoulders.”
A broken noise escapes my throat at the utter comfort his words bring.
“I lean on you for everything,” he says, emotions shining in his eyes. “All the time. So please, let me do the same for you.”
Another unsteady breath escapes me, and I swallow again while trying to hold back the tears burning behind my eyes. “I’m sorry. I should have told you. I just… I didn’t want anyone to know.” I bite my lip. “I’ve finally proven to everyone that I’m an asset. And I’m just worried that people will think that I’m the weak link if I admit that I’m struggling with the effects of my own magic.”
“Do you really believe that I would ever think that you’re weak?”
“No.”
“How about Isera and Alistair? After everything they’ve seen you go through, everything they’ve seen you accomplish, everything you’ve done for them and for all of us, do you really think they would ever see you as the weak link?”
“Well, uhm… no, I guess not,” I admit.
“Then who are you worried about?”
“I don’t know. Everyone except you?”
