“Yeah.” The word came out rough. “It does.”
“Why do you think that is?”
He considered the question, turning it over in his mind like a smooth stone. “It helps me stop worrying about the future. Living in the present, you know? When I’m with her, I’m not thinking about what I can’t do anymore or what I lost. I’m just…there.”
Rhae leaned forward, her elbows on her desk. “You should try doing that with the past too.”
His laugh was bitter. “Hard to do when Conner’s family still hates me.”
“Still getting hate mail?”
“Been a while. But it hangs over me like a dark cloud. More blame from Conner’s brother, Reed. More reminders that I lived and Conner didn’t.”
He traced a spot on his forearm. He’d never had tattoos where they were visible—only hidden by his uniform. No reason to adhere to those rules anymore. And a thought settled in his gut, solid and right.
Rhae’s gaze dropped to where his fingers pressed against his skin. “You thinking about another tattoo?”
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Was thinking about finishing the sleeve.”
“Any idea what the design will be?”
“A wolf.” The words left his mouth before he could stop them, and he froze.
Rhae’s eyes widened. “Your handle.”
His handle. Wolf. The name they’d called him in the cockpit, in the ready room, in the field. The name that used to mean something.
His throat tightened. “And a bear. For Conner.” The thickness in his voice made it hard to get the words out. “That was his.”
He met her gaze, something hardening in his chest. “His family would say I don’t have a right to mourn him, but he was my brother too, dammit.” He ripped off his hat and cut his fingers through his hair.
A long beat followed. Then it hit him.
He stared into space, not seeing his surroundings as he worked through the revelation.
“What’s on your mind, Crew?” she asked gently.
“I’m not responsible for their feelings. That’s not mine to fix. I did what I could, Rhae. I wasn’t responsible for what happened. I couldn’t change it even if I had a time machine, andI’ll carry that every goddamn day. I can’t fix how Conner’s family feels about it.”
The words hung in the air, and he realized with a jolt that he meant them.Reallymeant them.
A breakthrough, Rhae would call it.
Her eyes glimmered with sympathy and more. Maybe it was pride. “No, you can’t.”
When he left her office, he felt lighter. Like something that had been pressing on his lungs had eased just enough to let him breathe. He passed Denver carrying his little girl in the hallway, and without thinking, he ruffled Navy’s hair.
“Bye, Navy,” he said softly.
The toddler beamed up at him, and he caught Rhae watching from the doorway, her expression warm with approval.
He had to focus on the good stuff. The things that made him feel human again.
Fern made him feel human.
As he exited the lodge, he pulled out his phone and found the number of a tattoo artist he’d visited a couple towns away. He’d browsed her art on the walls, but never committed to another piece.
His thumb hovered over the screen for a beat before he typed out the message.
