I reach out and grip her hand, bringing it toward me before I know what I’m doing. “Rim’s fine.” Her eyes widen, then dip to our joined hands. “You’re fine.”
“Am I? We all know what happened wasn’t normal. They were killing each other to get to me.”
My mouth quirks. “Made our work easier.”
“It’s not funny.”
Her tremble goes all the way to her fingertips, and I squeeze her hand. “No, it’s not. But things turned out all right, so now we have to concentrate on what comes next, not look behind us.”
Shaking her head like that’s impossible, she pulls her hand away. “I think I’ll be looking over my shoulder for a hundred years.”
“If you do that, then they win, even if they didn’t kill you.”
Her irritated huff proves, at least to me, how much fight she still has in her. “That’s a little dramatic.”
“So is being paranoid for a century.”
“So…what?” She sits back, scowling. “Get over it?”
I nod. “Get over it. Move on.”
She purses her lips, then smacks them in a way that conveys utter annoyance. “Maybe that’s how you work. Getting over it isn’t exactly my strong suit—as you point out all the time.”
My own mouth puckers, my now-empty hand still feeling the warmth of hers. “You won’t always have the luxury of wallowing. Believe me.”
Her jaw drops. “Wallowing? Are you fucking kidding me? I just woke up a few hours ago after nearly dying.” She stands abruptly, making Fyrestar look up from his fake sleep. “I’m sorry I confided in you. I won’t bother you with any more wallowing.” She walks surprisingly steadily toward the door and flings it open, clearly inviting me to leave.
I regret everything I said immediately. “Close the door. You’re making a draft, and it’s already cold in here.” No wonder she doesn’t mind sleeping with three firebirds hemming her in. I’d suffocate in seconds.
“Fine. If you won’t leave, I will.” She pulls her robe more firmly around her, looking at Fyrestar.
I stand. I’ll be damned if I’ll let her fly out in the dark, weak and undressed. “Close the door, Idallia.” My voice rumbles as my dragon seeps out, coating me in shadows. “I’ll leave you in peace.”
Something darts across her expression. Regret maybe? It’s hard to tell. She shuts the door but doesn’t move away from it. She watches me, head high, eyes wary.
Emotion jerks inside me. I think she says the wrong things as often as I do when we’re together, and then we fight.
Does she realize how similar we are? Because I do—in more ways than she knows.
“It’s okay to be afraid. Just don’t let it stop you from living your life.” I almost cringe at my own words. Isn’t fear the very thing stopping me from reaching for what I so clearly want?
The object of my hesitation looks back at me. Finally, she says, “Let’s just…call it a night. I need to rest.” The hand I gripped earlier presses against her stomach, seeming to push back against that knot of fear she told me had lodged there.
I move toward the window, heavy with regret. I’m heavier still with the knowledge that I don’t want to leave. I want to comfort her, but I can’t.
“Sleep well, Sunshine.” Her lips part on a sharp breath I hear like it’s right in my ear as I turn, vault over the window frame, and let my dragon loose.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
IDALLIA
I can’t sleep. I slept, but then I woke up, and now my mind won’t stop churning like river rapids after a torrential downpour. The skin on my hand still remembers the warmth of Bale’s even though it’s been hours since he touched me. Is that something a friend would do? No matter what Bale says, I think we’re friends. Fyrestar seems to think we’re more.
I rub my fingers against my palm, rekindling the sensation of skin on skin. That’s the first time Bale’s ever touched me in a way that wasn’t related to combat or training. Even his hand in my hair that day at the pillars or his menacing whispers against my neck were to teach me a lesson. This…This was offering comfort and reassurance.
My insides tighten and heat, and I swallow down the longing trying to overtake my more reasonable thoughts. Don’t risk it. Don’t invite change that probably won’t work out for the better. Don’t set yourself up for another disaster. Though I bet it would be different than it was with Kellan. With Bale, my heart tells me I’d be the one left devastated and wishing it hadn’t ended.
I curl in on myself, goose bumpy and chilled even with my birds surrounding me. Despite what I told Bale, half the time they don’t go to their roosts, especially when I’m injured or unhappy.
