I snorted out loud, but as I stretched back out beside Bonk, I remained perplexed. The book had gone on and on about the Incorruptible, but the anonymous author also hadn’t seemed to glorify mass murderers, intolerance, autocrats, or imperialistic fanatics. In the end, I wasn’t sure what to think, but I was too tired to try to figure it out. Blood loss sucked.
I closed my eyes, wondering what Susan had found so special about that book. Maybe I’d read the whole thing wrong. I wasn’t tempted to try again.
I did know one thing, though. Whoever had penned that first paragraph should have shut the fuck up about the Fold.
Chapter 18
Shade worked like a madmanfor three days straight. His dedication to fixing theEndeavormade me pretty sure he wanted me up and off Albion 5 as fast as he could humanly make it happen. I wasn’t sure if he was doing it for me or for himself, if I should be happy and grateful, or if I should feel like crap.
Feeling like crap won out, but that was also because I’d just passed over six more bags of blood that I’d miraculously “found” in a concealed refrigeration compartment. What luck!
Having given myself a couple of hours to eat, rest, and recover—again—I took a quick shower with our new water from the same multigoods outlet as the food and cat supplies. Refreshed and dressed once more, I towel dried my hair with Shade Ganavan’s final bill staring me in the face.
It was exactly what I’d expected. No more, no less. I combed the tangles from my hair and explained to Bonk how the man’s manically hard work to get me off his planet as quickly as possible had done wonders for my already fragile ego where he was concerned, but that because I was tenacious and incredibly attracted to him, I was going to give it one last shot.
“What can I lose besides pride?” I asked Bonk.
Shade had worked shirtless for most of the last few days, and we’d all gone outside more often than usual because it had been so beautifully sunny and hot. I’d snuck more peeks than I could count at his tanned skin and hard body, glad that the heat wave had given me an excuse to fan myself, especially when my needle-marked arms had meant wearing long-sleeved shirts. Shade and I had gone back to conversing easily again, although I always felt tension and desire pulling me taut underneath. He’d chatted with all of us, even talking theology with Shiori and getting Miko to open up.
Now that was a feat. In five years, I’d never seen Miko voluntarily speak more than a few words to any man except for Jax.
Fiona liked to know how things functioned and fit together, and Shade explained his process for repairing the ship whenever she asked. As for Jax, the two men worked in companionable silence for the most part, but every now and then, I caught them sharing a laugh.
When Shade had shown up yesterday with an entire case of what he declared were “the best coffee beans in Albion City,” I think we all fell a little bit in love. He’d put the big box in the open doorway of theEndeavorand then gone about his work, not expecting a damn thing in return. My heart still squeezed happily just thinking about it.
I liked Shade. I liked so much about him, and any man who got Miko to talk to him and made Jax laugh was worth putting myself out there for. Another rejection would suck, but I would get over it. Life went on until the day you were gunned down or shot out of the Dark.
I tucked a fat bundle of universal currency into my coat pocket and then pulled on my ankle boots.
I was ready—I hoped.
I owned one nice piece of clothing, so I was using it. It was a simple, all-black dress that stopped midthigh on me and had a low-cut, square neckline and internal support that turned my breasts into perky balloons. Jax had nagged me into getting something nice for Emergence a few years ago, even though he knew I wasn’t a believer. I’d chosen this dress, although with the amount of skin it showed, it was probably a far cry from what he’d had in mind.
The midsummer festival to celebrate the birth of the Sky Mother was a huge party in the Fold. I’d been to two, and they were a lot more fun than the solemn rituals I’d been made to observe as a child in Sector 12. Mareeka had made Emergence fun, but she believed in the Sky Mother and Her Powers about as much as I did, so it had been more about playing games and cooking special desserts we got to decorate ourselves. In the Fold, we got dressed up, danced, drank, laughed, and forgot for a night that we were the hunted.
That was after humbly thanking the Sky Mother for existing, of course.
But even then, all dressed up, happy, safe, and not lacking for invitations once the parties got started, I hadn’t had the slightest interest in doing what I was about to do now. I didn’t delude myself into believing I’d turned down offers because I thought Gabe was still out there somewhere. I did wonder, and I hoped he was, but I hadn’t held back because of him. I’d held back because I hadn’t been ready to trust any of those men with myself, not with something so intimate, even though they were rebels like me and I trusted them with so much else.
Things had been done to me against my will, parts of me stolen without my consent while I fought, strapped down, small, scared, and powerless as adults loomed over me with needles, lab coats, and masks. Poking. Prodding. Taking. People I should have been able to trust had done that to me, to my body. They’d used me, and those experiences had formed me. I didn’t trust easily, especially when it came to getting inside my personal space. Insideme.
The funny thing was, with Shade Ganavan, I wanted to trust. Tonight, I would show him that.
* * *
The moment Shade heard the tentative knock, he knew who was at his door. It had to be Tess.
His heartbeat sped up, part excitement, part dread. He was so conflicted that he wanted to bash his head against the wall. Maybe then he’d either forget his need to reclaim his docks, or forget his feelings for Tess. Then he’d know what to do.
Earlier, he’d handed his bill to Jax and walked away from the Squirrel Tree without trying to see Tess. She’d slipped into the ship again at dusk carrying an exhausted Bonk. They’d played chase-the-rope around the platform until the cat had finally plopped down for a nap.
After she’d disappeared, Shade had been able to put on the finishing touches without being distracted by how much he wanted to kiss and touch Tess.
His chest had ached like it was being squashed in a giant clamp when he’d left theEndeavor’s platform without seeing her again, but he’d almost been hoping that Tess’s thieving instincts would kick in, and that she’d fly away immediately, leaving him shafted for his labor and his parts. That would have cost him a chunk of money, but he wouldn’t have chased after her, and that would have been that.
But no, she wasn’t apetty thief. And now she was at his door.
His whole body in one big knot, Shade walked across the dimmed shop to let her in. He’d had more than a week to turn her over to Bridgebane, and he hadn’t done it. He’d fixed her ship. He’d bought her half a door. Logically, that told him he’d known deep down and for a while now that he wasn’t going to betray her. The question now was, did he warn her before she left? Did he tell her the truth? Did he try to keep her here, with him? How deeply fucked was he willing to get?
