Halloween came and went in a flash, and I spent the night with Penny and Autumn, going door to door for candy. It was a good reprieve from everything, and for the first time since my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I felt a touch lighter. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I may not be able to confide in my best friend about my situation yet, but the fact that another person outside of my dad knows about Emmett is a huge load off my back.
It’s Sunday night again and I haven’t seen or heard from Lucas all week. I thought he would at least come into the coffee shop for his daily mochas, but he didn’t show. I guess he was serious when he said that we couldn’t see each other anymore. A small part of me didn’t think he meant it though.
By Friday, I started to question if I had made him up in my head. But I know he’s real. Every touch, every look, and every feeling I felt while I was with him was very real. Unfortunately, we are two very different people on two very different paths in life. I’m not sure what will happen when he leaves, but what I do know is that I’m going to miss him. A lot. Because I already miss him now and he hasn’t even left town yet.
“Auntie, Jay…will you braid my hair before bedtime?” Autumn’s voice interrupts my thoughts.
I give her a soft smile. “Of course.”
Penny shoos us from the kitchen so she can clean, and I gesture for Autumn to sit between my legs on the floor while I take a seat on the couch. Girl’s night tonight consisted ofme making homemade chicken alfredo, per Lucas’s instructions, and playing Candyland. It was the perfect end to the week.
I take my time and make sure to give Autumn two perfect French braids, even though I know they will get messed up during the night. It’s something that my mom used to do for me and one day I hope I can do the same for my own daughter.
“You’ve been super happy lately and now you’re sad,” Autumn says, making me pause my movements.
How is this girl so perceptive? She can read me like a book, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing or a bad thing considering she’s only four.
“You’re right,” is all I say back and continue to braid her hair.
“Did you break up with your boyfriend?”
I bring my head around to the side of her face. “Who told you that?”
She points to the kitchen where Penny faces away from us, washing the dishes. “Mommy said you had a boyfriend and I thought maybe you broke up with him. I broke up with Tommy at school the other day. But you always push people away.”
“Alright, time for bed,” Penny announces. I’m pretty sure she heard what Autumn just said.
“Don’t you love your boyfriend, Auntie Jay? That means you should spend all the time with him.” I don’t respond and instead give her a small smile and a kiss on the top of her head, telling her goodnight.
I get up and pour myself a glass of wine and then plop myself back on the couch. Maybe Autumn’s on to something. I mean I did leave Lucas’s house suddenly, like I couldn’t get away fast enough. And then he showed back up at my place and I proceeded to shake his hand when he left. Granted, he did kiss me, but I’ve actively been pushing him away like an asshole. I’ve done nothing to show him that I actually do care about him.
How can I be so dense?
I check my phone for the millionth time today.
Still nothing from him.
I sigh to the empty room. “What the hell am I doing?” I say to no one. This is how low I’ve stooped.
Part of me pitties myself for starting to fall for a guy who is living a double life. And another part of me gives him the benefit of the doubt. With everything that’s happened, he’s been worried about my safety since day one. Not only that, but he’s been attentive too, taking care of me when I least expected it, and making sure I had a place to live while my apartment was a literal pool. All of this, paired with my newest revelation about me pushing him away, I have no one to blame but myself for whatever comes next. I would drop my ass like a sack of potatoes if I were him.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re whispering to yourself?” Penny’s voice startles me, and I almost spill my wine.
“Warn a girl why don’t you.” I let out a chuckle.
Her face looks slightly worried. “I said your name, but you didn’t answer.”
Oh.
“Sorry. Just thinking.” I take a sip of my wine.
“About that…you look like your cat died this week.” She pours herself a hefty glass of red and takes a seat next to me.
“I did not,” I argue. Because I thought I was hiding it well that Lucas hadn’t reached out. “But, for your information: boy problems. It’s nothing to worry about.”
“Do I need to throat-punch someone?” I turn my head her way and she looks serious, but Penny wouldn’t hurt a fly, so I give her a small smile.
“No…although you may need to slap me on the back of the head for starting to fall for a guy who is way out of my league.” Let’s be honest. He really is out of my league. He’s an undercovercop for goodness sake. It takes a certain type of skill set to be in the position he’s in.
